Fitting In
14.11.25
Dear Daughter,
The other day you mentioned how you didn’t really feel like you fit into your new school, and sometimes you wonder if you’re a mistake.
I talked about how I had never really felt like I fit into my school either, and how I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re not a mistake, but my mind keeps drifting back to that conversation.
Partly, because I wish I’d handled it differently. Instead of trying to assure you that this is a normal feeling, I wish I’d given you a space to talk about the pain of not fitting in, the desire to feel included, like you fit, like you’re home. I wish I’d dug more into why you don’t feel like you fit in, instead of assuming the reasons from my past.
But also, I wanted to try to explain to you, that unless you feel comfortable in your own skin, you’re never going to feel comfortable anywhere. Now, that is kind of an assumed statement, because the last time I felt comfortable in my skin I was four years old. So I assume that if you’re comfortable in your own skin, you’ll feel at home here on earth. And I know that, while there are places I’ve felt more connected during my life, and people that I feel more connected too, I’ve never really felt connected, or “part of something,” myself. I’m constantly outside of myself – of my body – analyzing what I’m wearing, how I’m talking, what I’m saying, what I’m doing (you’ll notice I’m most comfortable “doing something”). I’m always reading a person’s expressions for how they’re responding to me, trying to change to what seems to be whatever it is they want. While I might not know how to feel comfortable myself, I want them to feel comfortable.
I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you to always be outside yourself. I don’t want you to have the habit of reading a room in order to gauge where you’ll be most safe, the most accepted. It’s not natural; it’s too much hard work. That’s why I’ve been super careful about how I talk to you about your body, and how I talk about my body. I want you to never doubt your beauty – the outward and inward beauty that you hold. Because you are breathtaking my dear.
That being said, your beauty is not the most important thing about you. Your ability to draw people into your world, to invite them into play with you, include them in your joy – those are huge gifts, My Love.
I want you to feel comfortable in this wonderful body you have – even if your pancreas decided to peace out early. I want you to giggle at the whisper of wind in your hair as you swing or speed down a slide at the playground. I want your heart to fill with the surety of being loved when the scent of flowers tickles your nose. I want all your pieces – your body, your heart, your mind to all feel connected, at home with one another, molded into one, amazing young lady.
My dear, I ache for you to feel at home at school, connected and happy with friends. But I know that while you will have glimpses of that, those snippets of belonging will not be the norm.
So even more than that, I pray for you to feel connected to yourself, all your parts flowing and moving as one beautiful woman.
And I suspect that the main way this can happen, is by trying to see yourself through God’s eyes. I know, I know, this feels like a cop-out, but that’s only because it’s hard work. It’s SO much easier to see yourself through the eyes of the broken people and broken world around you. It takes a LOT of scrubbing to clean off the dust and grease that continually tries to settled on the mirror that God gave you – His little tool to help you see yourself as He does. So try to keep your eyes on Him, remember how He sees you (you know Him well enough to know He treasures you), and remember He made you. You are most certainly not a mistake.
And maybe the reason we don’t feel like we belong is, partly, because we don’t. That’s hard – really hard – but maybe, one day, we’ll find where we do belong, and it’ll be okay that we don’t belong here, now.
Either way, I love you, your Daddy loves you, but even more than that God loves you.
Hang tight Dear, this world is not for the faint hearted!
In His Chrysalis 