This particular blog post is probably more for me than for anyone else, but here goes anyway.
I think God’s prepping me for something, and in His divine wisdom, He’s not telling me what for. See, two of my closest friends left the state on Sunday, and will leave the country in a couple days, following the path that God has so obviously laid in front of them. These are two of maybe five or six people who know me – the ins and outs of me. Which hurts, their leaving – for they are taking a rather large chunk of my heart with them – but at the same time, I am so excited for them!
But, oddly enough, over the last two and a half weeks, three books have made their way into my hands – one before this last Sunday, and two within these past couple days. All from different sources, all kinda just showing up. But all three books have a couple things in common – they all are stories of people saying, “yes” to God, no matter how ludicrous His request is. One girl left the US and is living in Uganda, surrounded by hundreds of children who are no longer quite as hungry, who are getting an education, and who are (most importantly) learning tangibly of God’s love for them, because of what God’s doing through her “yes”. Another was the story of a Texan-stay-at-home momma whose husband started seeing things differently. And when God changed her heart too, they as a family, started a house for teenage pregnant mothers in Kenya. The third book is written by a lawyer who, while still definitely rooted in the States, has had many crazy adventures all over the planet because he simply says “yes” every time God calls him.
Seriously – all three books have landed in my path recently. That, piled on top of my friends who are doing exactly the same thing, and I’m left a little bewildered at the possibility of what God is trying to do in me, or with me, or prepping me for.
I’m jealous of all of them – I want to be a part ofbig, crazy, only-God-could-do-this stories. I want to hold everything that “belongs” to me with open hands, so that when He asks me to do…who knows what, I don’t mind giving the man on the street my scarf, or spending my non-existent savings to meet someone’s need, or, or, or I don’t know.
But, as I was praying about this desire inside me (again) this morning, my eyes landed on a picture on my wall. A long time ago (okay, so like, 3 and a half years) I was pouring my heart out to God at a little retreat center in the mountains, asking God what was next, asking Him what He wanted of me. One of the mornings, as I was watching the sunrise, I saw the sun coming up behind a tree, highlighting the tree. And He reminded me that all He wanted of me – was ME. That’s all He wants from me – for me to be the woman that He originally created me to be. The story He has picked out for me is my own, it’s not going to look like anyone else’s. But, in order for the story to be how He intends it, I need to be as fully me as possible. Which, of course, is only possible through Him. Oy.
So, I don’t know what God’s prepping me for. If He’s going to ask me to move to Africa when I graduate (or before), or if (as I suspect) it’s something far more local. But I think, for now, I get to learn to live a life that continues to pursue Him, and the passions and desires He has placed within me. And I get to learn how to do that with hands wide open, allowing Him to take and give what He chooses (possessions, opportunities, friendships, time, etc.). Which is hard in our rather consumeristic society. But those around me need Jesus too, and they need to see someone who is not giving into the overwhelming (on so many levels) materialism that numbs us to our deepest need – God.
I don’t know what that looks like exactly yet for me, but that’s what I am going to strive for. A life that is not my own. A life that is not dependant on stuff (I say that sitting in my bedroom which is packed with STUFF – most of it stuff that I don’t want to get rid of). A life of open hands. A life of saying, “yes” and trusting that He will do what needs to be done.
Sunrise at St. Malo’s