I almost lost it in Wendy’s today. Like, crying, full melt-down, hair pulling lost it. Well, actually, I did the hair pulling. My hair was in a braid, so it gave myself a good handle. And I barely contained my crying. But I mean, when the lady behind the counter won’t even look me in the eye and is asking all the right questions, but has a mic on, so I assume she’s talking to the car line, and not me….but then she gets mad at me for not answering her. I mean, I tried to order via app so that we wouldn’t have to talk, because I don’t have space to talk today, but the app wouldn’t let me click the “Order Now” button for whatever reason that I couldn’t figure out. No reason was given by the app. I looked, I promise. So now I have to talk to her, she who refuses to look me in the eye, not to mention stand still behind the register or smile. I mean, I don’t always need a smile (though one would have been GREAT today), but eye contact helps. Isn’t that part of her job? Standing and acknowledging people? Like….basic, base level? Pressing buttons being the next level up? I know I sound awful here, but I really just needed someone to see me. Even someone I was ordering from.
And sure, I’m an emotional mess right now. My space doesn’t exist. I’ve been rebuilding my emotional, spiritual space for a couple years now, and I was just beginning to feel like me again, feel like I had a bit of power, feel like I knew how to handle things, or at least could handle things… and now, again, it’s gone. I’m gone. Lost amongst boxes full of things that I don’t have space for in a space that was offered to me, but not really (apparently) offered to me and my family. Space offered if it looks a certain way. Which is ludicrous. Anyone who knows my family knows we don’t look or act that “certain” way. Don’t offer something you don’t mean. So Puff. I’m gone. And I can’t stop crying. Because there’s no room for me to be me, or for my kids to be kids.
So, when the app doesn’t work, and I hadn’t brought lunch – which I normally would – because the meeting for my daughter that my husband set up for me lasts over an hour but I had figured 15 minutes tops, because how long does it take to enter a passcode? So, we’re all hungry, and life is awful, and we haven’t gone to our favorite place in a while because – move, so Wendy’s would be a fun special treat. But like all attempts at fun recently, it backfires and becomes burned-at-the-stake level torture, and then I order what I’ve ordered from the app before, but order from a woman who won’t stop moving and may or may not be talking to me, and then won’t just give me a jr cheeseburger because those don’t exist (but they do, I swear)…I start crying, pulling on my braid, almost can’t function with my children, lose it in Wendys. And I’ve become the woman I never thought I would be – COULD be.
It’s been alot recently. My family moved to a different state for several reasons. I quit a job I loved in order to make that move. And I’m feeling lost. And squished. And impossible. And a mess. And a burden. And incompetent.
And I don’t understand why I needed to go through this again. This Chrysalis Season – AGAIN.
God, why, oh why, must I be mushified again? What is it about me that You hate so much? Why do I need to be mush? What is it about me that needs to change? Are you ever going to be pleased with me? Am I ever going to be good enough for you?
But anyway, yeah. I lost it in Wendy’s today.
Moving sucks.
Also, I’m looking for a job, if anyone knows of one.
In His Chrysalis 