Tag Archives: learning

Learning From My Children: Morning Hugs


It hit me this morning.

I was up, for once, five minutes before the kids bounced out of bed. The five minutes of a quiet kitchen and living room to myself was nice.

But what was unexpected, what I absolutely loved, came next.

First it was Daughter. She must’ve heard me puttering, so she decided that even though her alarm clock did not say it was okay to get up, she could anyway. She came and found me, and, before anything else, she wrapped her arms around me. Her head reaches to my armpit now, which still doesn’t feel right. How is she so BIG already? She’s not even a decade old yet! But still, way taller than I feel like she should be or not, first thing out of bed, and she wants to start her day with a hug.

Her brother probably heard us talking, though us girls were very quiet, trying to keep these few sacred “girl time” moments to ourselves. Son came to find us too, sneaking into the kitchen, hoping to cause girly squeals of surprise to erupt from his sister and me.

But really, for him too, his main goal was to start the day with a mama hug.

As much as these kiddos constantly overstimulate me (I had no idea I even COULD be overstimulated before I became a parent), and want to sit on my lap with a tape measure and discover how much space is between my ears, between my eyes, how big my nose is, etc., or constantly want to snuggle, and as much as I might very well need alone time with no one touching me, their hugs will always be precious to me. Very few things make me feel as loved and seen as their hugs.

And being the start to their day will, as long as I am given the honor, always be cherished by me.

I think God feels the same way about me when it comes to mornings and hugs.

I could write more about that connection, but I feel like you probably get it, and for me to write more will just get corny. Shrug. We wouldn’t want to get corny, now would we?

Have a hug-filled day!

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Nothing To See Here, Just Processing – Episode 1 – Wendy’s

I almost lost it in Wendy’s today. Like, crying, full melt-down, hair pulling lost it. Well, actually, I did the hair pulling. My hair was in a braid, so it gave myself a good handle. And I barely contained my crying. But I mean, when the lady behind the counter won’t even look me in the eye and is asking all the right questions, but has a mic on, so I assume she’s talking to the car line, and not me….but then she gets mad at me for not answering her. I mean, I tried to order via app so that we wouldn’t have to talk, because I don’t have space to talk today, but the app wouldn’t let me click the “Order Now” button for whatever reason that I couldn’t figure out. No reason was given by the app. I looked, I promise. So now I have to talk to her, she who refuses to look me in the eye, not to mention stand still behind the register or smile. I mean, I don’t always need a smile (though one would have been GREAT today), but eye contact helps. Isn’t that part of her job? Standing and acknowledging people? Like….basic, base level? Pressing buttons being the next level up? I know I sound awful here, but I really just needed someone to see me. Even someone I was ordering from.

And sure, I’m an emotional mess right now. My space doesn’t exist. I’ve been rebuilding my emotional, spiritual space for a couple years now, and I was just beginning to feel like me again, feel like I had a bit of power, feel like I knew how to handle things, or at least could handle things… and now, again, it’s gone. I’m gone. Lost amongst boxes full of things that I don’t have space for in a space that was offered to me, but not really (apparently) offered to me and my family. Space offered if it looks a certain way. Which is ludicrous. Anyone who knows my family knows we don’t look or act that “certain” way. Don’t offer something you don’t mean. So Puff. I’m gone. And I can’t stop crying. Because there’s no room for me to be me, or for my kids to be kids.

So, when the app doesn’t work, and I hadn’t brought lunch – which I normally would – because the meeting for my daughter that my husband set up for me lasts over an hour but I had figured 15 minutes tops, because how long does it take to enter a passcode? So, we’re all hungry, and life is awful, and we haven’t gone to our favorite place in a while because – move, so Wendy’s would be a fun special treat. But like all attempts at fun recently, it backfires and becomes burned-at-the-stake level torture, and then I order what I’ve ordered from the app before, but order from a woman who won’t stop moving and may or may not be talking to me, and then won’t just give me a jr cheeseburger because those don’t exist (but they do, I swear)…I start crying, pulling on my braid, almost can’t function with my children, lose it in Wendys. And I’ve become the woman I never thought I would be – COULD be.

It’s been alot recently. My family moved to a different state for several reasons. I quit a job I loved in order to make that move. And I’m feeling lost. And squished. And impossible. And a mess. And a burden. And incompetent.

And I don’t understand why I needed to go through this again. This Chrysalis Season – AGAIN.

God, why, oh why, must I be mushified again? What is it about me that You hate so much? Why do I need to be mush? What is it about me that needs to change? Are you ever going to be pleased with me? Am I ever going to be good enough for you?

But anyway, yeah. I lost it in Wendy’s today.

Moving sucks.

Also, I’m looking for a job, if anyone knows of one.

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