Tag Archives: God

August 13, 2025 · 2:09 pm

Nothing To See Here – Just Processing – Living Room

Nope, I get it now. Sometimes removing things and people from your life is painful, like feels-as-if-you’re-loosing-yourself painful. I’ve known this; I just forgot it sometime recently…ish… Not sure when. Probably because I’ve been holding on to things so hard for so long. I wasn’t being “mushified”; my fingers were being forcibly unclenched, the clam-like shells of my mind had to be pried open to the idea of not needing everything that surrounded me – the people, the places, but mostly the routines and the stuff.

I didn’t grow up with much. I mean, I grew up in the United States, and my parents had a house, and a car each, so we had PLENTY. But I grew up with my mother always saying there wasn’t enough money, and I grew up attending a private school (my parents taught there, which is the only way they afforded it) where all my friends pretty much always got what they wanted. They never had to shop deals, or deal with shoes that were too small for a season. And they didn’t have to go camping on their family vacations since their parents could pay for hotels. So it didn’t feel like we had plenty.

AND….I have this creative mind that sees a fun, potential project in literally everything. Plus, I like having stuff on-hand to give to others who might need it.

So, with the creative-potential side of me, and the grew-up-with-an-impoverished mindset, sometimes I give my kids too much stuff. And I forget to get creative if our family has a need, and instead I just buy…whatever it is I think we need. A certain at-my-fingertips-gigantic store has enabled this. My fault- using it that way, not its fault.

So, we have too much stuff, and we were probably doing too much. And it was stressing me out. And I prayed to live a slightly simpler life…I just didn’t think through the potential pain in the implications of this particular prayer.

But God knew, and I guess God agreed that a slightly simpler life might be a good idea. So He helped out. And it hurt for a bit.

But now, NOW, I can walk into the living room where the kids’ toys are and sigh in relief. It’s a peaceful space. Sure, there are still toys and books, but there’s space. Now I’m working on our room, our privatest space. I want it to have margins too – extra space. Peace.

I think seminary was the first place I heard the term “margins” referring to time, not just the edges of a paper. I liked the idea. I’ve always filled the margins of my life – from hearts and curlicues on the edges of middle school worksheets, to adding another club or activity every year in high school, to having practically no margin in college – along with some very pretty, impressive doodles in my college notebooks (side note – I feel sorry for the kids today who only take notes on their computers; it’s much harder to doodle there. Class notes must be boring to look at when studying.)

But margins are important. Margins allow you space to be more spontaneous – to have that neighbor over, to take that walk, to have that important conversation with your child or spouse. Margins allow you room to listen to the Spirit and follow where He leads. Margins allow you to not always be in a rush, or dictated by a minute-by-minute schedule.

It was excruciating, having to build margins in – probably will be for a while as I get used to this lifestyle. But (I can already tell)

worth

it.

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August 1, 2025 · 3:46 pm

Nothing To See Here, Just Processing – Episode 1 – Wendy’s

I almost lost it in Wendy’s today. Like, crying, full melt-down, hair pulling lost it. Well, actually, I did the hair pulling. My hair was in a braid, so it gave myself a good handle. And I barely contained my crying. But I mean, when the lady behind the counter won’t even look me in the eye and is asking all the right questions, but has a mic on, so I assume she’s talking to the car line, and not me….but then she gets mad at me for not answering her. I mean, I tried to order via app so that we wouldn’t have to talk, because I don’t have space to talk today, but the app wouldn’t let me click the “Order Now” button for whatever reason that I couldn’t figure out. No reason was given by the app. I looked, I promise. So now I have to talk to her, she who refuses to look me in the eye, not to mention stand still behind the register or smile. I mean, I don’t always need a smile (though one would have been GREAT today), but eye contact helps. Isn’t that part of her job? Standing and acknowledging people? Like….basic, base level? Pressing buttons being the next level up? I know I sound awful here, but I really just needed someone to see me. Even someone I was ordering from.

And sure, I’m an emotional mess right now. My space doesn’t exist. I’ve been rebuilding my emotional, spiritual space for a couple years now, and I was just beginning to feel like me again, feel like I had a bit of power, feel like I knew how to handle things, or at least could handle things… and now, again, it’s gone. I’m gone. Lost amongst boxes full of things that I don’t have space for in a space that was offered to me, but not really (apparently) offered to me and my family. Space offered if it looks a certain way. Which is ludicrous. Anyone who knows my family knows we don’t look or act that “certain” way. Don’t offer something you don’t mean. So Puff. I’m gone. And I can’t stop crying. Because there’s no room for me to be me, or for my kids to be kids.

So, when the app doesn’t work, and I hadn’t brought lunch – which I normally would – because the meeting for my daughter that my husband set up for me lasts over an hour but I had figured 15 minutes tops, because how long does it take to enter a passcode? So, we’re all hungry, and life is awful, and we haven’t gone to our favorite place in a while because – move, so Wendy’s would be a fun special treat. But like all attempts at fun recently, it backfires and becomes burned-at-the-stake level torture, and then I order what I’ve ordered from the app before, but order from a woman who won’t stop moving and may or may not be talking to me, and then won’t just give me a jr cheeseburger because those don’t exist (but they do, I swear)…I start crying, pulling on my braid, almost can’t function with my children, lose it in Wendys. And I’ve become the woman I never thought I would be – COULD be.

It’s been alot recently. My family moved to a different state for several reasons. I quit a job I loved in order to make that move. And I’m feeling lost. And squished. And impossible. And a mess. And a burden. And incompetent.

And I don’t understand why I needed to go through this again. This Chrysalis Season – AGAIN.

God, why, oh why, must I be mushified again? What is it about me that You hate so much? Why do I need to be mush? What is it about me that needs to change? Are you ever going to be pleased with me? Am I ever going to be good enough for you?

But anyway, yeah. I lost it in Wendy’s today.

Moving sucks.

Also, I’m looking for a job, if anyone knows of one.

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September 20, 2023 · 7:15 am

Learning from my Children: Unicorns and Sharks

For the better part of the past six months, the theme in our house has been sharks and unicorns. (It might currently be changing to Mario and Princess Peach, but we’ll see if this trend will stick or if it’s just a passing phase).
Sharks and unicorns.

Big, scary, beautiful ruler-of-the-ocean beasts with large teeth that constantly fall out. Okay – Boy is more interested in the big and scary part, not so much the teeth. I just find the teeth part slightly entertaining. Fierce animals that swim peacefully, but can kill in the blink of an eye.

Illusive horses with long, pointy, horns with razor-sharp tips raising from their foreheads. Rainbows follow them everywhere – maybe even come from their butts, or are the trails of their flightpaths. Unicorns shimmer. They are fierce (you’d never want to meet one in hand-to-hand combat) and beautiful.

Sharks and Unicorns. While they take different forms, I think my children are enchanted by the same things – strength, passion, and beauty.

Wow – this entry is not going in the direction I expected. Story of my life.

Strength, passion, and authentic beauty. I know I love those things too. I know my Mister does too. I know many people who are.

I think when God dreamed of and formed humans, molded us, I think He gently folded into our souls the need for strength, passion, and authentic beauty. Partly to draw us to Him. Partly because He loves those things too (look at the mountains, the ocean, animals – it is impossible to look at any of those and not see strength and authentic beauty. Study long enough and it will be impossible to not see the passion in the formation of these things around you). Maybe this love of, this need of these three things, is part – just PART – of the Imago Dei (God’s image) that He’s placed in all of us.

We need these things; we’re thirsty for them. We crave them. I think that’s why we try to make fake versions of them – because the real thing draws us to God, and yet, we still need them – even if we hate/deny/ignore God. It’s like… part of what keeps our souls alive.

If we live lives without strength, without passion, without authentic beauty we become…shadows of who we are supposed to be. We get that “I’m just going through the motions” “life is bleh” “I need to change something – maybe look for a new coffee table” feeling. You start getting petty and distracted.

I’m rambling. There’s so much here, and I’m just beginning to process it. Like, JUST. This was supposed to be a blog about where our focus was – on the dark, lurking scary stuff (sharks), or on the beautiful, imaginative and shimmery (unicorns). Obviously – learn to focus on the unicorns. But…this is something else…more…that, is eluding like the unicorn does the hunters in mythic tales. I can feel myself being led into the forest like to many knights in so many tales, with just glimpses, learning little bits at a time, ever hunting. Eventually, I will have to become the maiden with the pure heart that sits still in the middle of the forest, that the unicorn comes and places its head in her lap. But, right now….. I hunt. I ponder. I I wonder. I love this part of new ideas. The mulling-over.

Strength, passion, authentic beauty. All I think I can say right now is – seek them out. Notice how they can – if you allow them – draw you to Him. Notice what they teach you about Him.

Notice. Pay attention. I think this is important.

Strength, passion, and authentic beauty.

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February 20, 2015 · 1:17 pm

Focus, Breathe, Listen

Sorry I’ve been so hit or miss this year. I could easily pull the “I’m so busy” excuse, but the truth is, writing has always been a priority for me, and if it’s not happening, than something besides busyness is going on in my life.

As for the last two months (some might say last four?), I’m not exactly sure what that is, except that today it feels like I might finally be pulling out of it. Nothing has changed. I still have all of my commitments and potential distractions, but I sense a pattern emerging.

That, and I am learning a truth. For at least the last two months people have been telling me how they have so much filling their lives – school, activities, obligations, relationships – and yet, if they rest in God, if they focus on Him, if they give Him a bit of time each day, it all gets done in a comparatively unharried manner.

Honestly, I didn’t pay much attention the first, I’m sure twenty, times I heard this. I mean, it’s something you hear a lot of as a Christian.

“Focus on God; He makes all things better.”
“Give God your time.”
“Tithe your time too.”
“Are you doing your devotions? They’re critical you know.”

The thing is, traditional devotions have never done anything more me except make me antsy and feel guilty that I’m not having amazing, huge revelations. And so I’d spend time with God in my own way. Like, journaling when I needed to vent to Him. Or praying in the car on the way to any one of the many places I travel in a week.

But, the thing is, I need to be more intentional than that. I need to sit down, expectant that God is going to meet me in whatever fashion He desires. I need to quiet my mind and just listen. Sure, having a Bible nearby is a good idea, but having my journal near by or my ipod with music is just as important. And I need to be still. I need to remind myself that He really is my first Love. I need to treat Him like that instead of just taking Him for granted.

I need Him to be first, my motivation.

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January 30, 2015 · 4:18 pm

Fanta and Mirrors

In the last week, there have been a couple moments of simple beauty that struck me.

The first, I was stopped at a traffic light, waiting for the infernal red light to turn green, when three boys around the age of 12 come out of the corner gas station.  They all wore t-shirts and long, baggy, teenage boy shorts, and were each carrying a bottle of orange Fanta. They walked across the street and into the neighborhood of houses, and I no longer could see them.  I don’t know what it was about that sight, except that it felt precious, innocent, and rare to me.  Three boys just hanging out.  Friendship.  No technology in sight.  It was almost like a moment from the past reached into the present.  I wish more of my youth kids had moments like those – moments of pure friendship.  Moments of walking to the corner store to buy a soda after school.  Moments of hanging out and having conversation without technology somehow infringing on their bond.  And sure, these kids were probably headed to some basement where they would blow bad guys up for a couple hours.  But even that walk, to the store to get a Fanta, that was moment enough to actually build friendship.

It left me smiling for the rest of the day.

The second I again was in my car (I spend quite a lot of my time in my car these days).  I was driving by a small lake (pond in any other part of the country) and noticed how absolutely still the water was.  When I say it was a mirror, that there wasn’t a single ripple on the water, I’m not being metaphorical; I’m being quite literal.  I have never seen such still water.  I could see the reflection of every single tree and bush that graced the edge of the lake.  I could see every single cloud in the sky perfectly reflected in the water.  It was as if some giant had carefully placed a mirror on the ground.  It was absolutely gorgeous.  And I was reminded that I was made to reflect my savior as this lake was reflecting its surroundings.  I wondered how well I’ve been doing that recently.  Am I such a reflection as this pond?  Or am I a more stormy or muddy pond that is too anxious or contaminated to reflect His beauty well?

It was a pretty sight, and one that has challenged me.

I love when I notice the little moments; they are usually the ones that dig into me most, the ones I remember and stick with me.

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January 23, 2015 · 1:14 pm

Come Thou Fount

A couple weeks ago I talked briefly about “ebenezer”s, and how we all need things (physical things) in our lives to remember what God has done.

Well, I think maybe “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” might be a theme for a while in my life. I’ll post the lyrics at the end, just in case you didn’t grow up in a liturgical church and have never heard this particular hymn.

Anyway, I say that because it has been an interesting week. It’s the week before I start back to school. There have been some absolutely fantastic and fun moments in it. There have also been several honest moments. And more than a few that left me emotionally drained and just finished.

But as I was driving home from work last night, briefly headed toward the mountains, the last glow of the sun leaving the mountains a pointy silhouette on the horizon, I saw a shooting star. You don’t see shooting stars much in city bounds, but I saw one last night.

And it reminded me that no matter what, no matter what was going on in my week, good or bad, memorable or simply ordinary, God is good; God loves me, and that is enough.

So, as I go into school and my already full schedule flexes to take on more reading and class attendance and paper writing, I need to remember that God is good.

He is to be our focus and motivation for everything. And as long as that is true, all might not be easy or comfortable or make others happy, but it can be good.

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

2.            Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I’m come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

3.            O to grace how great a debtor
daily I’m constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

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January 16, 2015 · 1:17 pm

Fog

I’ve had to drive in the fog a couple times in the last week. Which, in Colorado, is weird. I usually drive in the fog MAYBE once every six months; to have driven in the fog several times in the last months is completely weird and slightly global-warming-end-of-the-world-the-dinosaurs-are-going-to-return ish. Weird.

The point of me saying that though is that about the fourth trip into the mountains with fog clouding my view I began to wonder if God was trying to tell or teach me something. Rule of three – if three times something is mentioned, out of the blue, in some sort of weird circumstance, God’s probably trying to communicate something. I’m just not used to the rule of three applying to nature as well. Probably why it took me more than three…and someone mentioning fog in conversation completely separate from my driving experiences for me to take notice.

Anyway, as much as I love fog during the day, it can be rather intimidating at night. Fog during the day you can’t see stuff. Fog at night…well, you really can’t see trees looming at the side of the road or the occasional deer on the road or even the car one hundred feet a head of you.

And lately, this is how my life has felt. I have seen maybe a half step ahead of me, and while I take that step, it is kinda scary, and makes absolutely no sense and a tad bit unsettling.

But, as much as I might complain about my life being in the fog, I think I prefer it to being able to see everything. For instance, sometimes if we see how far we have to walk, if we see how far we have to go, we become paralyzed with how much we have to overcome before we reach our goal. Like climbing a tall mountain. We can see the summit, and it feels so far away and like we’ll never reach it.

And honestly, God works both ways. Sometimes we see the end, but not often. Sometimes we’re in the fog and have to trust Him about the next step on the road ahead of us.

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January 2, 2015 · 1:16 pm

Here I raise my ebenezer

Ebenezer. I type that most people reading will think of an old, skinny dude with slightly used clothing who is always grumpy and grumbling about the cost of coal (thus, heat) and undigested potatoes. Or you think of a duck counting money.

But today is not about Ebenezer Scrooge, but about his name which, I suspect, Dickens might have given to him on purpose.

See, the word “ebenezer” is an actual thing. It’s a thing that you keep around to help you remember what God has done for you, or in you. So, when the Israelites crossed the Jordan into the promised land, and God had each of the 12 tribes pick up a stone and build an alter to remember what He did that day – He was asking them to build an ebenezer. He was asking them to remember what He had done for them.

God knows just how easily we humans forget things, especially during times of hardship or pain. And so, having things around to help you remember what God has done in you is incredibly important. Otherwise we begin to doubt God’s goodness.

No bueno.

As you begin this new year, think over last year. Where were you a year ago? How has God helped you grow? And then, figure out something to keep around to help you remember where He has brought you from.

For me, pictures are a big deal. Every year for the last four years (if you count this one too) at the beginning of January, I have gone through all the pictures I took of the year that just ended, and put them together in a memory book. Memories are important. Our journeys are important. The stuff God does in our lives – the big and the small, mundane everyday stuff that we might not even really notice – is important.

This year, take some time out to remember. Figure out an ebenezer – you’ll need it in the coming year. God is good, but sometimes we need reminders of just how good He is.

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December 26, 2014 · 1:17 pm

Reflections

The last Friday of the year, a great time (and place) to reflect.

Things I’ve learned this year:

– Treasure your friends and never take them for granted. You never know when they will be called elsewhere. And you have no idea how much you are going to miss them.

– Also, sometimes you become friends with people you weren’t expecting, and it’s wonderful.

– You can be still and have a heart at Sabbath even when your world is spinning a million miles a second.

– That being said, times of physical stillness are incredibly necessary.

– Being thankful for what you’ve got, when you’ve got it is crucial to enjoying life.

– Relationships are the most valuable thing you will ever invest in. Don’t give up on them. Keep working.

– God loves you, beyond imagination.

– Priorities, priorities, priorities… and remember that HIS priorities trump yours.

– Be ready for surprise, side trips, and bunny trails.  And enjoy them.

– God restores, redeems, and blesses…though usually none of that looks like what you think

– Pain is not necessarily something to run from, or try to end.

– The Velveteen Rabbit is still my favorite children’s book out there. Read it before the end of the year if you haven’t yet.

– Laugh

– Take care of yourself, and trust your instincts. Often, they’re right.

– Love God and trust Him above all others.

What about you?  What did you learn this year?

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December 12, 2014 · 2:06 pm

Christmas Sabbath

I’m done.   Every paper is turned in, every test taken.  It’s good. I felt such a crazy amount of freedom yesterday as I drove away from campus knowing I probably won’t be there again for a good six weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I love seminary and my classes, but breaks are needed and necessary!

Which is probably why God modeled Sabbath for us, and then decreed that we should do the same. Something I found interesting in my New Testament class this past semester is that often, Jewish holidays were treated as extra Sabbaths in their week. I love that idea. I love the idea of holidays being Sabbath.

Which is so foreign of an idea in Western Culture. We have presents to wrap, places to be, meals to prepare (or run to the store and buy and then arrange nicely), family to enjoy (or attempt to please), and church to attend (at the very least). It’s all very hectic.

But what if it wasn’t? What if, for Christmas this year, we took some time out and just enjoyed the tree, the people, the food, the presents. What if we just took time to be still? Or, since abiding and Sabbath are NOT just about being still, what in, in the midst of the chaos, we focused on God being our source of peace. He is supposed to be, after all.

It is possible, in the middle of garnishing the ham, to take a second and quietly give thanks (and I do mean a second), or in the middle of the presents, to simply soak in the joyous expression of a loved one. Sabbath and abiding, I have discovered over this semester, are usually found in the half-seconds, in reminding ourselves Who really Is the reason for all of this.

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