It is late, and I have had a very long day, and I am in the middle of saying “good-bye” to two very special people who have been a huge part of my over the last five years and “hello” to two others who I suspect will become incredibly special to me as well. I am in the middle of a whirl-wind of emotions. Planning a sermon and parties and photo books on top of “normal” life.
I’m ready for things to slow down. I’m ready for this craziness to end.
But not really, because when it does, I’m that much closer to saying good-bye to my two dear friends.
I’m learning how incredibly precious each and every moment I am given is. I am realizing that I need to get better at simply enjoying and treasuring life – the crazy times, the heart-wrenching times, the tired times, the wonderful times, the every-day times. I’m not good at this. This is something I need to get better at, a gift God has given me that I need to learn to treasure.
Category Archives: Self / Emotions
Time Treasure
Filed under Relationships, Self / Emotions, Uncategorized
In the Still Of The Morning
This last Sunday I was up early, and so had the time to sit out in the backyard, drink tea, and just soak in the early morning sun, the fresh air, the bird songs, and the general quiet. I never seem to do that sort of thing enough, and yet when I do, I am always aware that I need to be doing it on a much more consistent basis, and just how very good it is for my mental and spiritual health.
When I am quiet, still, and listening, when I am purposefully spending quality, enjoyable time with my savior, there is something deep within me that awakens. I am healthier. I am bolder. I am gentler. I am more patient. I am so much more aware of the needs of those around me, and so much more willing (and able) to enter into that need and minister as I may.
So, I guess that’s my challenge for you and for me this summer. Regularly spend quiet time* with the one who created you, with the one who loves you better than anyone else, the one who knows you better than anyone else, the one who stretches and protects you. Spend time listening to Him, quiet in His presence. See where He takes you, what He does in you!
* By quiet time, I do not mean spending 30 minutes reading the Bible. Do that too if you want, and certainly have it nearby, with, perhaps a journal, but spend the time simply being quiet, praying with words only if you must, and listening.
Filed under Self / Emotions, spiritual life
Living in a material world
On Wednesday, I was sitting in the last class I would have of a course, (yay! Summer is here!) and we were talking about volunteers in churches, or more accurately, problematic volunteers.
This particular discussion was about what to do with volunteers who cause pain and division among a congregation – because, unfortunately, it happens. People want to serve in the church for all sorts of different reasons, and often, those reasons are selfish or poisonous (not that the volunteer realizes this, or has even taken the time to reflect on why she wants to volunteer). We joked about how it would be so nice to have a list of the people who moved from church to church, causing destruction (because that happens), or how maybe we should warn whatever church they are going to next (assuming they tell someone – which they usually do), or how we should maybe call their previous church to see what their impact was, before allowing them to serve in our church. Like, actually having references (and checking them) in order to volunteer with your church…or maybe even join the church.
Someone in my class likened it to sexual predators, saying that if they knew the person was a sex offender, and was going to another church, she’d warn the other church. And everyone in the class seemed to agree. But, everyone quickly followed up, only warn the other church THEN. Not if the volunteer was causing spiritual or emotional pain, or even a split in the congregation. You can’t warn the next church congregation victim of the destructive volunteer is the volunteer does ONLY spiritual or emotional damage to their previous church.
WHY IS THAT?
I mention this because I think it shows a fault in our physically-aware Western culture. If someone is going to harm the physical side of another person, we do everything we can to stop it (as we should). But if someone is known for causing spiritual harm, or emotional harm, well, the victim should just toughen up. Distance themselves, if they can, sure, but often we Christians encourage them to stay in the painful, awful situation.
SERIOUSLY?
By saying that, we are saying that the physical part of a person is the most important, or most valuable part. At least, that’s how I see it. Protect the physical part of people from those who would do harm, but if we know of other harm – our hands are tied.
GAH!!!
Assuming you believe in an afterlife, than you probably believe that physical body is not the part that lives on. It is not the most important part of you. Is it important? Sure. Are all the facets of who you are (physical, spiritual, emotional, mental – just to name the big ones) somehow intertwined with your physical body? Yes. If a man rapes a girl, is he somehow also harming her emotionally, spiritually, and mentally (despite the fact he’s only touching her physical body)? More than likely – yes.
We put so much emphasis, so much importance, on the physical world. On our bodies, on our possessions, what we can see, hear, taste, touch and smell. We call this physical world Reality. But the thing is, this Reality, this physical world, it’s not going to last. Look around, decay is everywhere. Western Culture’s Reality is crumbling, and crumbling quicker by the day. And yet we cling to what our physical bodies can experience, ignoring the fact that God created us with other, more long-lasting parts.
Why is that?
We get so trapped up in this immediate world, that we forget to prep for the next. We forget to protect the spiritual and emotional parts of us and of others. We forget (or get too lazy) to stretch the mental parts of us. The parts of ourselves that we can’t see, we forget matter. And so they sit, curled up in the fetal position, in the corner of our existence, starving to death with skeleton-like faces and twig arms, too emaciated to even cry out.
Something needs to change. Our priorities need to change. The way we see the world, the way we experience the world, the way we view ourselves, needs to change.
Only God can change our perspective. Only He can help us remember that the world we live in is more than a physical one, that who we are is more than a body and a mind. But the change of perspective, the realization that this physical world is not the only layer of our existence, is vital. It needs to happen. Has to happen. So pray. Pray that God will change how you see yourself and others, and that you can be an influence in changing what others think is most important.
Filed under Personal Image, Relationships, Self / Emotions, spiritual life
Growth like Spring
I feel pretty confident in stating that spring is finally here. Granted, I live in Colorado, so we might be in for another snow fall – or not. If we do get more snow, it won’t stick around long.
It is SO refreshing to walk out the door and smell fresh air full of the scent of newly-growing things. While I love winter, I have been waiting for some time now for green grass and the beauty of sun illuminating thin petals of tulips and pansies and creeping flox. There is something about this time of year that makes a girl SO glad she’s alive.
I know of people who love a certain season so much that they wish they could only live in the one. But each season needs the others to make it happen.
I mean, without winter, without the time for the earth to rest, to be gently replenished through snowfall and cooler temperatures and plant-leftovers, spring wouldn’t happen. We might not be able to see all of the good that is going on beneath the brown, forgotten grass or in the barren garden but good, vital stuff is happening. And then, when the time is right (and usually so much later than when I’m ready for it) spring quietly spreads over the land so quietly that often I don’t notice it until quite a lot has happened and it feels like spring just showed up over night.
The thing is, this happens in us too. We can pray and pray and pray for God to do something specific in us, or work soooo hard to conquer something, or get frustrated that nothing is happening. But growth is happening – it might just be a winter season, where you need to rest and replenish before the purples, reds, yellows, blues, and greens of spring burst forth from you. God likes to work in secret on us for long bouts of time before showing off what He’s done.
So don’t give up hope, if you’re hoping for growth in yourself. If you’ve been praying for God to help you to forgive someone, or to be able to conquer some specific sin, keep praying, keep doing whatever it is He has asked you to do. If you’re feeling “stagnant”, as occasionally I do, don’t give up. Think of that time as the very end of winter. You’re practically itching to grow because you sense it is time.* But don’t worry, He IS doing a good work in you, and He WILL complete it. In His time, in His way, probably when you aren’t even looking for it.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6
*In my experience, that itching can mean one of two things. The first – like I said, God is ready for your personal growth to burst forth for all to see. Or second – God is causing in you a stirring for growth because it is time you and He work on that – which probably means you’re going to need to trust Him through the coming winter. So trust, and do as He prompts, because He is doing an amazing work!
Filed under Self / Emotions
More than you can handle
I have heard more than once recently that “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”
For the record, yeah, that’s not true. It’s definitely not scriptural. In fact, I bet if you could talk to Job, Noah, Abraham, Moses, David, and Peter, that they would all say at one point or another that God gave them more than they could handle. Even Jesus, that night in Gethsemane, asked God if he could get out of the next couple coming days, and he sweat drops of blood (this happens when a person is under a great deal of stress).
The closest scripture I could find to this saying is 1 Corinthians 10:13, which states in the ESV, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
But temptation is different than life struggles. Your dad having cancer is a life struggle, not a temptation. Your friends betraying you is a life struggle, not a temptation. I mean, sure, within the life struggle you will find the temptation to reject God, or reject parts of Him you know to be true. And that was Satan’s goal in taking everything away from him – to get him to curse God. But life struggles happen, and aren’t temptations in and of themselves.
But I bet, as the messengers came running to Job about his children dying, and his cattle, sheep and other sources of his wealth, Job would have said that this was too much, that God had given him more than he could handle. But mostly he just asked “why”.
Talk to the people in Africa, who are now orphans because both of their parents died of AIDS and are now starving. Or to any of the refugees anywhere on the planet. I bet they would all say “it’s too much”.
And it is. Why wouldn’t it be? Life is hard, and often it is more than a person can handle on their own. I don’t care if your life is cushy or if your life is super-hard, it’s more than you can handle. Something will come up that will send you over the edge. Which is why God calls us to community and to be in constant communion with Him. Because life IS more than we can handle on our own. But with Christ and with the community He has given us, we never have to do it on our own.
Even Job didn’t have to go through his trials alone. I mean, sure, his friends could have been a bit more supportive and trusting, but at least they sat down with him, and sat through the pain with him. Now, I’m sure at times he would have preferred they leave, their advice was that poisonous, but even their horrible advice seems to have pushed Job that much more to not curse God.
So yeah, the saying “God doesn’t give you more than you handle” is pretty much a lie. He allows stuff all the time to happen that is more than we can handle. But through that stuff, God is there and if you are dependent on Him, you will get through. And one of the ways He reaches out to you is through the community you and He have gathered around you. Life is not meant to be lived alone. You can’t do it on your own (even people who think they can find ways to get around the pain – whether they watch too much TV, are super-focused on their body, or drink, or whatever it is they can find to escape).
God WILL give you more than you can handle. On your own you will shut down emotionally. You will curse Him. You will no longer see a reason to live, or how you possibly could live through this. You might mentally snap.
But God will never give you more than you and He and your community can handle. There isn’t one example in scripture of God doing that. He’s not an evil, malicious God. He is just, and righteous, and loving. He takes care of His kids. It might be hard, but if you are at His side, He’ll guide you through.
Filed under Self / Emotions
Train tracks
This may shock you, but I live in a place where occasionally my driving is hindered by a train rumbling along its tracks that cross some of our roads. Yes, that still happens. It’s happened twice to me in the last week, and one of those roads was a super-busy street! I mean, this road is practically a highway, but all the fast-moving, impatient cars (well, impatient drivers anyway) still had to stop for the train to slowly roll by.
Normally, I try to get out of waiting. I turn around and try to find a way around (either behind or in front of or under in some cases) the trundling train. I’ve lived here for a while, so I know what my options are, and make use of them. The silly thing is though, by the time I get the piece of track that I can drive over, I would have saved time had I stayed where I originally was to begin. But, even though I know this, the idea of sitting there, counting the cars as they pass makes me slightly jittery. So much time is wasted while this antiquated form of transportation rolls along its tracks. And yet, in reality, it’s not that much time. I timed it yesterday. Three minutes. I waste three minutes sitting and waiting for the train. But the thing is, yesterday while actually waiting (I couldn’t get out of waiting yesterday) I realized that God was teaching me something here.
I think, sometimes, God puts inconvenient things in our lives (that technically, yes, we could get around) in order to make us slow down. I think He’s trying to give us a chance to stop, take a deep breath, and reflect a bit before moving on.
So when God slows you down a bit – simple things feel a bit harder than normal, or some process you have no control over but whose mercy you’re at takes longer than it should. It’s okay. Just breathe. And instead of worrying about when you’ll get your answer, or whatever, just trust that God’s got this. That it will be okay. And relax. Slow down. Breathe in, breathe out. Slow. Down.
Filed under Self / Emotions
I.D. Please?
Just so you know, the lengthy blog below is not necessarily Biblically proven (I mean, sure, there’s a lot of Biblical truth in it, but there is no where in the Bible that says, “this is IT”, so please don’t think that this is that). These is just where I have currently landed on my understanding of the topic. If you have your own thoughts, please, I’d love to hear them.
“Can I see your I.D.?”
I walk up to the man in uniform, hand him my driver’s license and boarding pass and wait as he checks to make sure my I.D. is valid, my boarding pass is legit, and then waves me on with a polite gesture.
Really? This little piece of plastic that fits in my pocket tells you who I am? I mean, I guess the picture looks like me, I haven’t changed THAT much in the ten years since my picture was taken. So, since the picture and my face match-ish, than everything else on the little piece of plastic is accurate too. It is a sum of who I am.
My first name is Amy. My initials spell ALL (a detail I love!). I live where there are beautiful mountains. I have brown hair and brown eyes. And then, of course, the piece of plastic holds a few other details about me (like height and weight), and even more important numbers are on there – like my birthday, my driver’s license number, and the date when this particular piece of plastic will no longer be a valid source of knowledge for who I am (the expiration date).
But if you ask anyone who knows me, I am so much more than that tiny bit of information. I am daughter, sister, friend, mentor, leader, student, crazy-driver, brownie-baker, encourager, seamstress, writer, babysitter, and reader – to name a few. And those are just titles! That doesn’t even begin to go into the details – like what my laugh sounds like, or why or when I laugh for that matter. Or what my story with God is. It doesn’t tell you my favorite flowers, or favorite season, or favorite candy, or favorite movie, or what kind of music I like. Or whether or not I snore, or what hobbies I might have, or what makes me blush, or what I’m passionate about…and so much more. And all this stuff – this stuff that you can’t take from me (might change over time, but you can’t take it from me) – this is what makes me, me.
So, when someone comes up to me in church and says, “Your identity needs to be In Christ. You are Christ’s child.”…WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?
I’ve heard the general explanations: God loves me. I need to depend on Him for my validation, not my friends or family or the world.
But…WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!? Like, on a practical level, in everyday life. How is THAT my I.D.? I can’t simply make up a card with my face on it, my height and weight on it (just to make sure no one stole the little piece of plastic) and then put CHILD OF GOD across the top, with some pretty pearly gates in the background, since it will be issued by Heaven. Pretty sure the guy at the airport gate isn’t going to accept that as “valid”. Not that his opinion really matters. I don’t think of my Driver’s License as my actual identification (it’s just a brief, precise physical description). But still.
What does it mean to be a Child of God?
I know this much:
It means that He loves me enough for Jesus to come to Earth, live a perfect
life, die for my sins, defeat Satan’s claim over my life, and then, when the
time is right, usher me into Heaven.
Now, don’t get me wrong – that’s GREAT. But, it’s more than that
too. It means that, as His child, I love Him like my father…which
means loving Him so much I want to live a life that pleases Him and
brings Him joy. Which means living a life different than most people
around me live. It means living a life that is full of joy and grace and
love and patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, etc.
But that’s what I DO, not who I am. What I DO is a result of
how I see myself. SO, in order for those things above to
happen, I have to see myself and recognize that I am God’s
kid, the apple of His eye, that I have ahold of His
heartstrings.
Which means, I think, that in order for me to practically, on a daily basis, understand what it means to be a child of God, to take those ambiguous three words as my identity, I need to see myself as He sees me…or as close as He’ll let me see myself as He sees me.
For example – growing up, whether or not we fully realize it – we learn to see ourselves as our parents see us (well, I think this is true. Technically I’ve only ever observed this phenomenon … oh, and I’ve lived through it as a kid. Never been on the parent part of this formula). But, if our father sees us as a nuisance, he’s going to treat us as such…and we will respond to that. If he treats us that way long enough, eventually, we will begin to realize He sees us this way, and it will become part of our identity, and from there, it becomes the source of our actions…and so (probably) we become an even bigger nuisance.
Now – quick note – not all parents realize how their actions are affecting their kids, nor understand how the messages they are sending are shaping their children’s identity. And, most often, the way parents treat kids is not in reaction to the kid herself, but to the parents’ own old wounds, scars, and beliefs. So, in cases like this, the child ends up believing stuff about herself which was never true, but had so much more to do with their parents’ wounds.
Okay – back to identity in God. We need to see ourselves as God sees us. If we understand that He sees the broken, ugly bits of us, but still loves us more deeply and purely than any human ever could, we’re going to view the world with a different perspective than if we believe that God sees us as a screw-up. And if we understand His love for us, than how we interact with the world will change. And this will change how we identify ourselves. We will know what it means to have our identity in Christ.
A butterfly is a butterfly is a butterfly whether or not she chooses to fly or to crawl along the ground like the caterpillar she used to be.
She IS a butterfly; that is her identity. She can’t change that. Nothing can take that from her. But it is not until she realizes she is a butterfly, spreads her wings and flies that she is embracing her identity.
You ARE a child of God, whether or not you want to admit it. But, it won’t be until you do admit it that you’ll be willing to recognize you even have wings. And then comes the process of spreading them, trusting the wind, and gliding. The process of being willing to believe that God loves you – unconditionally, just as you are. The process of learning to listen to Him, of following Him, of molding your life to His design. The process of realizing what it means to be His child.
Filed under Personal Image, Self / Emotions
Where Your Mind Goes, So Go You
It started out as a feeling, which grew into a hope, which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word, and then that word grew louder and louder until it was a battle cry.
– “The Call” Regina Spektor
Sitting in the movie theater, my eyes adjusting to the lights that had just come up at the end of the movie, I knew I loved the credit song. It didn’t hurt that it was sung by one of my favorite song artists, but I would have loved the song if it had been sung by someone else. I loved the words and the instrumentation. It was gorgeous. Breath-taking. Magical. And the lyrics of the chorus haunted me, hit me deeply, because I knew they were true.
Our thoughts are incredibly important. They lead to actions. And, apparently, actions are the fruit, or product of our hearts. But if actions are the product / fruit of our hearts, than our thoughts, are the food of our hearts.
We have many sources for our thoughts – life itself, school, movies, music, friends, parents, T.V., the list goes on.
But it is the thoughts themselves that are our heart’s food. It is our choice to focus our thoughts on what we want (or don’t want) from those movies and music. What you choose to think about from the conversations you have throughout the day, from the subjects in school you’re learning, from the TV shows you watch and the songs you listen to, affects you.
It’s kinda like a dinner buffet. At a buffet, you have many options of food to eat. And you get to choose what you want to eat, or not eat. You can choose from spaghetti or lasagna or some sketchy-looking Chinese meal, the salad, or the roast beef. Well, the world is the same way with our thoughts. You have the choice to think about stuff from movie last night, or from the book you’re (supposed to be) reading for Language, or from the conversation you had with your friend, or from the song that’s overplayed right now on the radio. It’s your choice.
But here’s the thing, just like if you chose healthy food to put in your body your body functions more along the lines of its originally intended plan, so your heart functions in a healthier manner if you feed it healthy “food”, or thoughts.
From your thoughts grow actions. Which might be why Jesus goes all strict-bun-in-a-tight-bun-steel-rimmed-glasses-ancient substitute teacher on people in Matthew. He’s rather tough when it comes to such things. He says it’s just as bad to lust after someone as to actually have sex with them. It’s just as bad to hate someone as to actually murder them.
Maybe because if you continue to think those thoughts of lust or anger, they grow, and then …there’s a chance, should you be given the opportunity … you’ll ACT out of those thoughts. And even if you don’t actually ever murder someone, or sleep with a man who’s not your husband, or say one nasty comment to your mother, those thoughts are still causing you to treat the people around you in ways that are not honoring to God, or honoring the fact that they were made in His image.
And God’s a pretty big stickler when it comes to how we treat each other. He highly stresses treating each other with love and respect. It’s a huge deal. Love God and love your neighbor. It’s incredibly important to Him – in fact, that’s how the world is supposed to know we love God – by our obedience to Him (which causes us to live differently than the rest of the world) and by how we treat others. And if your thoughts aren’t reflective of that, your actions (and words and facial expressions) won’t be either.
So, be careful what you allow your thoughts to dwell on, what you focus on. Your thoughts feed your heart. And out of your heart spring actions. Your thoughts have a great deal of power over how you treat others, so be careful what you think.
Filed under Self / Emotions, Uncategorized
Bruises and Healing
My heart is bruised today. Like a physical bruise, I can go about my daily life, and most people don’t even notice – I can act normal. But the minute someone gets me talking, (presses against the bruise), tears flow. It’s not like a deep, bleeding wound where anyone and everyone can tell something’s wrong just by looking at my face (okay, for me and my face, it only has to be a paper cut on my heart for the world to know, I’m apparently pretty transparent, but still). For whatever reason, this is a bruise, and so I go about my day with a dull ache that can be ignored for a few hours at a time, but never for more than that.
See, I received some exciting, wonderful, scary heartbreaking news yesterday…and I’m hurt and thrilled and full of all sorts of conflicting, messy emotions. Sometimes life can be that way – chaotic and confusing. Right now, after spending all morning with teenagers, I want to curl up on my bed, lose myself under my thick blankets, tuck my knees to my chest, and cry into my pillow. Yesterday, when I received the wonderful news (and thus, the bruise), all I wanted to do was laugh and hug someone, because the news was that amazing and breath-taking. Seriously, I can’t wait to see how God works through this up-coming change! Wonders and miracles and (even cooler) such stories are going to come of this.
But now, a day later and having thought about the news a bit, I realize there is a bruise on my heart from it. Because it’s wonderful news, but it also means big scary change, and some pretty major loss in my life. I suppose, because it’s a bruise, I could go about my days and ignore the pain; after all, that is what I’ve been taught is “strong”. And we’re always supposed to be “strong”. And bruises are easy to ignore – until the bruised part of your body bumps into something (and that ALWAYS happens with bruises or stubbed toes, isn’t it?).
But I learned a long time ago that trying to always be strong – especially when it comes to my emotions – is not always a good idea. In fact, often, it is downright harmful. So I journal, and then call my best friend and soak the shoulder of her shirt with my tears.
Because, as painful as this is – I want to feel this. I want to embrace everything going on inside me. I want to know the joy, but that means also knowing the pain. And this is too wonderful of a moment to ignore the upheaval just to look “strong” or like I have it all together.
Besides, nowhere in the Bible does it say we’re supposed to have it all together. In fact, if you look at the characters throughout the story, not one of them (except for Jesus, of course) had everything all together. Jesus didn’t hold those who were pretending to have it all together. He touched and healed those who admitted to their physical pain.
And really, God gave us emotions. They are wonderful things. You CAN get lost in them, but so long as you use them healthfully, than you’re better off with them than without. God wanted us to experience joy and happiness – but those emotions are only truly sweet when you’ve experienced their opposites – disappointment and sadness. Think of it this way – you wouldn’t appreciate the sun if we never had night time, or a cloudy day. You need both. And to ignore only the “bad” or “negative” emotions – the ones we try to suppress and not experience – only deadens your ability to enjoy the good ones.
So embrace both – the joy and the pain, health and the ache of a bruise, the light and the dark, that you might understand the value and beauty of both. And yes, this sounds very “ying-yang” ish, but don’t take it that way. The good is stronger (and does win) over evil. Joy always has the last word. But you need a dash of the pain, you need the bruise, to appreciate the rest. I know, it sounds twisted, and if I wasn’t bruised right now, I’d probably be a whole lot more eloquent on the subject. But I’m not. This is me, raw, because I can’t think past the bruise at the moment. I’m sure I will in a day, because that’s what I do. Just not right now. And that’s okay.
Filed under Self / Emotions
In His Chrysalis 
