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Not to sound cheesy, but I have recently been reminded that every moment given to us is a gift.  That every moment your lungs expand in your chest is a moment you choose to do something with.  You can choose to use it to finish a project; you can choose to use it to spend time with a friend; you can choose to use it to simply do some much-needed “veg-ing”.

I remember sitting in my senior Bible class as my teacher described his day.  This guy was crazy, wonderful, but crazy.  He  was a teacher, a soccer coach, a husband, a father to a young daughter, AND in the process of getting his master’s degree.  After he described his normal crazy day, he looked each one of us in the eye and said, “You can do a lot more in your day if you just plan it.”

And I cringed.  Because I hated the idea of scheduling every minute of every day of my life.  I like more spontaneity than that.

But, ten years later, I’m discovering I have to do just that in order to get everything I need to, done.

And I wonder why, because I was just as busy in college, I swear, and I didn’t plan everything out.  But see, I went to a little college in the middle of nowhere with horrible TV reception.  And the college didn’t offer cable.  So I didn’t watch TV.  And Facebook had only just come to campus.  It wasn’t nearly the time-killer that it can be now. There were no games, not nearly as many people on it, no adds – I’m not even sure we had pictures…

I think that’s the difference between my college days and now.  Wasting time in college meant going on a Walmart run with friends when I could’ve been studying, or watching a movie and doing homework at the same time.  Or just having a really good conversation.  All of which are things that energize me.  TV and Facebook don’t really give me more energy – ever.

So that’s what I’m challenging you to.  NOT that you schedule every moment of every day if you don’t want to.  But, that you do take note of your time, what you do.  Watch for the activities that are fun, that inspire you to do more, to work harder.  Do more of those.  And spend less time doing the “easy” vegging things that waste your time and don’t really refresh you.  For me, that’s TV and Facebook – for you…it might be texting or playing video games or sleeping…I don’t know!  That’s for you to figure out!

Just remember that every breath you are given is actually very precious, and I doubt when we get to heaven we’re going to look back on our lives and wish we’d watched one more episode, or posted one more picture.  But I doubt we’ll regret having those good conversations, and doing the work we were called to do, and making ourselves and others laugh.

Just sayin’.

It used to be that I couldn’t accept a compliment…mostly because I didn’t believe it.  Ever.  Tell me I was pretty or looked nice, and I’d blame it on my make-up or my outfit or…whatever else I could think of.

Granted, I had other reasons for not believing, but also, I just didn’t trust my friends’ words.  I knew what they said about each other behind their backs.  I knew what kind of language came out of their mouths.  It was often insincere, sometimes crude.

Which is probably one of the reasons I couldn’t believe them when they told me I looked cute.  When your mouth mostly pours out gunk, then the good stuff that might come out isn’t really all that believable.  In fact, it’s highly suspect.   Actually, that’s scriptural.  God says that from out of the depths of our heart, our mouth speaks.  And so if most of the words come out of your mouth smell of garbage, than what’s in your heart?  When your heart is rotten, even the nice words smell of rotten food.

“What other heart would let itself be broken every time until he healed mine?”    Natalie Grant

This week’s entry has been hard for me to write.  Mostly because I know I’m supposed to write about forgiveness and broken relationships in my own life.  And I hate admitting that I don’t have all my relational ducks in a row, and that I sometimes have a hard time with forgiveness.  Not that I WANT to have a hard time forgiving.  And really, I’m usually pretty good at forgiveness.  But there ARE a couple relationships in my life where I have a hard time forgiving.  Now, please don’t get me wrong, I WANT to forgive.  I have said nights full of prayers and cried a bucket of tears, begging God to help me forgive.  And some days are better than others, but for the most part, I’m still angry and hurt and vengeful.  And that’s not who I want to be.

But I have prayed, and pleaded, and still forgiveness hasn’t come.  And I’ve done it all.  I’ve prayed to forgive.  I’ve NOT prayed for forgiveness and simply tried to focus on the good.  I’ve begged for God to HELP ME forgive.  I’ve acted like I’ve forgiven, in hopes that I’ll fool my heart into doing just that.  I’ve made “good aspects of this person” lists and I’ve given gifts and I’ve tried seeing things from their point of view.  But none of it has worked.

And I’m not sure why.

The only thing that makes any sense is some advice a dear friend, a sister really, gave me.  She said, “Well, maybe it’s a cancer thing,” referring to a friend of hers who had lived for a while with cancer, and then eventually went home to heaven.   In her friend’s case, everyone near the situation had to live with pain for a while, and God seemed to do little to stop the pain.  God could have healed the cancer.  God could have granted a quick, easy death.  But He didn’t.

For whatever reason, He asked my dear friend, and her dying friend, and all of their friends surrounding them to live in that pain for a while. To embrace it.  To learn from it.

And I’m not sure why the pain of my being able to forgive is a pain God wants me to live through, but it’s the only thing that makes sense.  Except, I’m not sure it’s exactly that I can’t forgive.  It’s more of a having to forgive every day, multiple times, for what is done against me time after time.  So, it’s more of a constant forgiveness.

And I’m no good at that.  In fact, I’m downright awful at it. But, but it’s what God does for us, isn’t it?  He steps into our mess, and asks us to love Him, desires – no, LONGS, for us to love Him – despite the fact that we are going to hurt Him day after day, hour after hour, usually in very similar, repeat offenses.  And that’s hard to forgive.  But He does it.  Because He loves us.

And, while He’s eternity-times more patient than I am, I bet sometimes He gets frustrated with me when I do that to Him over and over.  Especially when His deepest desire is just that I love Him, and love Him well.  Love Him in a way that He longs for.

I don’t do that well.

But I’ve been thinking: maybe, in not healing this wound of constantly being hurt over and over, God’s allowing me to feel His heart for me.  He’s allowing me to know what it feels like to deeply love a sinner.

In which case, I wish – no, deeper than that – that I had never sinned, that I would learn from my mistakes, that He would be the one I desire most of all.  That He would always be my heart’s desire.  That I would pursue a relationship with Him with everything in me.  Unfortunately, I get distracted way too easily.

And that’s beginning to break my heart.  Maybe, just maybe, when I finally begin to just a little bit grasp the deep, crazy love God has for me, I’ll be able to forgive – over and over – the pain inflicted on me by someone who doesn’t know how to love me well.

               I remember falling in love with Shakespeare… his writing that is, not the man.  I was sitting in Miss Whitman’s Freshmen English class, and we were studying Romeo and Juliet.  One day, as we were nearing the end of the First Act, and before we started acting it out for the day, (yes, Miss Whitman was that awesome – we ACTED OUT Skakespeare in class) she handed out a sheet of paper that had Romeo and Juliet’s confusing conversation about palmers on it.  And then she asked us to interpret it, or to dig past the words and actually find out what Romeo and Juliet were saying to each other during this conversation:

ROMEO
[To JULIET] If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

JULIET
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.

ROMEO
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

JULIET
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

ROMEO
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

JULIET
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake.

ROMEO
Then move not, while my prayer’s effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.

JULIET
Then have my lips the sin that they have took?

ROMEO
Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.

My friend Ashlie and I sat and struggled through all the notes that Miss Whitman had given us.  We practically squealed when we figured out that while Romeo wanted to kiss Juliet, Juliet wasn’t going to just tell him “sure, go for it, lay a nice juicy one on me”.  She was too much of a lady for that.  However, she DID basically tell him that if he wanted to kiss her, she wouldn’t stop him.   So he gets bold and kisses her…and then kisses her again.  Rocket science I know, but I bet you didn’t get ALL of that when you read through it in Freshmen English.  If so – well done!  You should give your English teacher an apple…or a Starbucks card.

Anyway, I fell in love with Shakespeare that day, NOT because of his amazing love story (Gag) but because the man was a master of subtext.  I know I’m weird, but I LOVE having to figure out what his characters are actually saying.  It’s kinda like searching for treasure, or deciphering  a code.  I love it!

For those of you who haven’t figured it out yet (or need a definition for your English class )subtext is when someone says one thing, but is really talking about or means something else.  For instance, if your mom asks you to go pick your younger brother up from soccer practice, and you say “great”, you probably didn’t actually mean “great”, you meant, “Awwww, man, really!  I hate having to do that!”   …Or maybe not – you very well might be the best sister in the world and LOVE picking up your younger siblings.

So, the other day I was talking about poetry to a friend, and explaining that I believe most good poetry (like Shakespeare’s) has subtext, when I realized that I believe good people have subtext too.  But you probably already knew that, right?  The people you are really challenged by, the ones that somehow draw you to them, are genuine and caring on the outside, but you can tell there’s something MORE to them; there’s something  that draws you in.  They wear their heart on their sleeve, but there are layers below that very sleeve that you get to discover.  A quality person, like a good poem, has lots of beauty (of all shapes and sizes and stories) on the outside, but they have a heart with depth – with subtext.  They have character that runs deep, that cares deeply, that thinks deeply, that has deep, deep layers of love, an unshakeable love because of how deep it runs in them.  That person has subtext.  That’s the sort of person we humans are drawn to, and the sort we need to strive to be.

Probably because we humans are drawn to God, and God writes subtext daily; He has done so every day from the beginning of time.  He practically IS subtext.  Since He created everything, His reflection is hidden all over – you just have to look for it.

So, ask God to give you eyes for His subtext, because if you’re looking for Him, than your own subtext will deepen.  Go ahead, ask Him to make you a person of many layers, a person who cares deeply about the people around you.  And ask Him to give you the wisdom to be able to read the subtext in the people around you, because that’s a pretty big talent as well.  Not a lot of people are willing to look beyond the top layer of saints and sinners and palmers and general confusion.  And the friends and people that do – they’re the ones that shape the world; they’re the ones that have Jesus shining through all their layers out to the world around them.

   “Whatever, Mom”, and, after delivering the    PERFECT eye-roll (seriously, I was a MASTER eye-roller), I stalked off.

I have used that word countless times – and usually in a negative way.  You don’t understand what I’ve tried to tell you, ten different ways?  Whatever.   You don’t understand my passion for reading (despite it being THE MOST AWESOME pastime)?  Whatever.  You don’t seem to understand that my time is super valuable?  Whatever.  You don’t like my fashion choices today (who says I have to give up putting ribbons in my hair despite the fact that I’m in my late twenties)?  Whatever.  You don’t understand why I don’t wear make-up (not true as of six months ago)?  Whatever.

Don’t get me wrong, there are positive ways to use the word.  There were a couple instances when I used “whatever” in conversations with friends – and NOT ended up in a fight.  I’ve told a few close friends that “WHATEVER they do could, it would not be so bad that it would end our friendship”.   WHATEVER they did, we would still be friends.

But one day, as God does, He turned “whatever” upside-down, topsy-turvy, inside-out for me.  I was in a bad mood.  Well, it was one of those down-right, all-out bad attitudes about something I knew I was supposed to do.  I didn’t want to do it.  I knew I wasn’t going to be paid enough.  I knew there was a good chance I’d get emotionally hurt.  I knew I’d probably be overwhelmed at some point.  And I knew I wouldn’t have as much free time as I currently enjoy.  I didn’t want to do it.

BUT I knew I was supposed to.  Have you ever had that feeling?  That God is personally asking you to do something?  If not, you might try listening to Him closer.  He asks stuff of us – sometimes crazy stuff.   And so I knew my crummy attitude was going to have to change, because even if I WAS obedient, doing it with a crummy attitude wasn’t going to help anyone – or please Him.  I also knew I’m not very good at doing that on my own, so I asked God for help.  Actually, after stewing over it for an entire night, I asked Him the next morning in the shower – because that’s where I was (I’m not one of those people who have amazing God moments in the shower generally – usually it’s during worship, when I’m writing or teaching, always during a sunset/sunrise, or outside taking pictures of pretty flowers).

ANYWAY, I was in the shower and knew this coming school year would be absolutely horrible if I didn’t change my attitude.  And then, out of the blue (or plaster ceiling above my head) God, with what felt like a heavenly  hammer (not made out of heavenly clouds either – definitely heavenly iron), pounded into my head the word “Whatever”.   Right.  God, hit me over the head with the metaphorical beam of “whatever”.  And my first response was “???????  Um, God, was that YOU?  What’s with ‘Whatever’?”   So I kept listening, and He pretty much shouted these two verses at me:

Whatever you do, do it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

And

Whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is honorable, etc etc etc Think about these things.

Now, since I’m not the perfect Christian (obviously, I didn’t even know the entirety of one of the verses), I had to go look up the references (and the rest of that one verse).

But His point was made.  Whatever I do – I’m not supposed to do it for the money, for the recognition, for someone else, or for, for, for anything or anyone EXCEPT for Him, because He asked me to, because, for whatever crazy reason, He picked ME to do this job .  And I love Him, so of course I want to make Him happy; I want to feel His smile on me, and so I’ll do the job for Him TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY (which I probably wouldn’t have if I were doing it for someone or something else).

This is where the other verse comes into play.  It’s super easy to get distracted from that perspective.  SO, I have to keep my mind focused on good things – GOD things, things that make Him smile.  This is what I’ve found: It helps me remember why I’m doing what I’m doing, and (and this is the best part) it helps me remember / continue to discover HOW VERY IMPORTANT  are to Him.  And I’m discovering that when I’ve got that solidly ingrained in my brain – that He loves me, cares for me, wants my good, that He desires to give me the desires of my heart more deeply THAN I DESIRE THEM – I’ll do everything with a “whatever” attitude.   An attitude that says, “whatever I do, I do it for You God, because I love you”.

And there are so many times I catch Him smiling at me.  You should try it!

⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.   Phil 4:8

^3 (Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,   Col 3:23

Dear American Youth (or, Youth of Western Culture),

I never wanted to be the adult that tells you that you need to live a radically different life than all the other teenagers around you.  But, unfortunately, I am going to be that adult as of right now.

See, somehow, we adults have created this very blind culture specifically for you (mostly to get your money).  It is a culture of music and clothing and dating and make-up and protein powder and the perfect hair and posters of cool people and movies and cars and fast food and cell phones and texting and apps and…well, the list goes on.  Unfortunately, the main message of this culture is that “it’s all about you”.  That you, as an adolescent, DESERVE to have the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, to look perfect, to be constantly surrounded by things to entertain you and that you enjoy.  It’s all about you.  There’s a multi-billion dollar industry focused on this.  Unfortunately, it’s a multi-billion dollar lie.

And so I need to apologize to you.  You’ve been lied to, and really, I think your teen years are being stolen from you.  While you are being told that you need to live as if the world revolves around you, your teenage years are slipping by in a daze of money spent in a reckless fashion, of years being spent pursuing empty things like being cool or being the best volleyball player, (or actor, or just that girl that everyone wants to be).  Empty, silly pursuits.

One hundred and fifty years ago, you didn’t get an “adolescent” period of life.  You went directly from being a kid to being an adult.  You were expected to be responsible.  You were probably married during what we would consider your “adolescence” (not because you “fell in love” but because it was the best way to survive) and you were suddenly an adult.  In fact, your whole entire childhood was spent learning how to function as an adult, how to survive the real world and keep yourself alive.  It was a full-time job back then.  But now…well, that’s not really how it works, is it?  Other than school (which is GREAT on giving you information, but how much of it teaches you to pay your bills, or buy healthy groceries, or to budget, or to get a job and keep it?  Or have a successful marriage?), what are we doing to prepare you for real life?  Not much.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a teacher.  I think there is A LOT of good that can be found in school.  But… but I think we’re missing something pretty major.   We don’t teach you to be an adult.   We don’t challenge you in ways that we should.  Maybe because the world is constantly changing and we don’t know how to challenge you anymore, so we gave up.

And SO, the point, the challenge.  Don’t be like every other teen out there.  Don’t spend all your money on fast food, music for your ipod, the newest clothes, your girlfriend/boyfriend, or make-up.  Don’t spend all your teen years wishing you looked different, trying to look different.  Don’t be a teen whose sole desire is to have a significant other, or to be cool.  Don’t spend all your free time on Facebook, or playing video games.

Instead, GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING.  Save your money and travel.  It doesn’t have to be expensive.  There are so many people in the world who have so much less than you – figure out a way to give to them, and I don’t mean just giving them your money.  Sure, sponsoring a kid in Africa is great, but they need so much more than that.  The WORLD needs so much more from you than that.  Give them your heart.  Figure out how to actually get involved in their lives. Go on a mission trip.  Figure out how to get clean water to that kid in Africa who has never had a glass of clear, pure water.  Figure out how to start a business that imports the bracelets that kid’s sister makes and then sell those bracelets through a department store.  Because you can.  As a teenager, you are incredibly creative and resourceful.  You can do crazy-impossible things because you haven’t bought into the lie that you can’t yet.

Please, don’t spend your teen years on absolute silliness.  Find something you care about and invest in it.  Your teen years are so crucial to your adult life.  They are years God gave you to experience life with SO much passion and excitement.  They are years meant to help you figure out who God is calling you to be, to figure out what passions and desires and gifts He has placed in your heart.

And I think, to some extent, that’s why there is so much around you to distract you.  Think about it, if you weren’t distracted at all, if you weren’t spending your weekends in the malls or in movie theaters or in front of some sort of screen, what would you be doing? Really, what would you find to invest in?  What do you care about?

Well, be different.  Go change the world.  Go invest in whatever wonderful, challenging mission it is that God has placed on your heart.  You can do it; through Him we can do ALL THINGS.  Don’t let anyone tell you different.  So go.  Turn off the TV, stop texting your BFF every other second, log out of Facebook, put down the remote or the controller, and go conquer the world. It doesn’t revolve around you, but it desperately needs you

“Life is messy, Highness, anyone who says different is selling something.”  Okay, so that might not be exactly the line that the masked Dread Pirate Roberts said, but he could’ve.  In my experience, it’s just as true as the line he actually says about life being pain.   Which makes sense – at least for me.  If I look at the life of a butterfly as a metaphor for my spiritual life, than things get messy – like melty-goopy-change-from-caterpillar-to goop-BEFORE-the-butterfly messy.

Granted, the metaphor doesn’t always work as obviously as it does in my life.  God doesn’t give us ALL messy lives.  I have a very good friend, a woman who loves God with all of her heart, whom God seems to give exactly what she wants.  She got married to the man she wanted to, WHEN she wanted to.  Her wedding day was gorgeous, as she’d been praying for  twelve years that it would be.  She had a healthy baby pretty much exactly when she and her husband planned.  She got a car when she wanted it.  And the crazy thing is, it’s not like her parents are super wealthy to make sure she always gets what she wants.  Not at all!  Each and every time it’s completely, obviously, God!

I confess that sometimes in the middle of my messy life, usually during the unstable, painful moments, I wish I had her life.  God DID NOT give me a stable life.  Mine seems to be full of uncertainty, of surprises, of adventures, of not always knowing exactly how the bills will get paid, of wondering if I’m going to have to live all of it as a single gal.  But the absolute crazy thing is, despite all that, I’m thrilled NOT to be living a predictable, stable life.  I’m loving this crazy adventure.  Sure, there are things I would change – but that’s what heaven’s for, right?  And yes, I sometimes wish I knew what was coming next, or how long a certain station of life is going to last, but in looking back at my life, it’s probably been better that I haven’t known.  I would’ve totally fought God if I’d known what was ahead.

I have a just-in-my-head-totally-untested theory as to why some people God gives totally stable, consistent lives, and others He gives crazy adventures.  I think through stable lives, like that of my friend’s, He shows His constancy, His un-changing-ness.  And through lives like mine, lives full of unexpected twists and turns that ALWAYS seem to be in transition, He shows His adventurous, daring, crazy-ness.  Because somehow, in His immensity, God has both in His character.  He is amazingly faithful and consistent.  BUT He is also crazy, daring and adventurous.

SO, when life doesn’t go as planned, look for God.  Look for God taking you on a crazy adventure that’ll take you who-knows-where, but during which you will learn SO much about Him.  And, when life seems to just be humming along, contentedly, nothing special happening, everything going to plan, look for God’s faithfulness, His unchanging love for you.

In case you hadn’t noticed, Valentine’s Day happened a couple weeks ago, and, thanks to a comment I read on Facebook, the idea of loneliness has haunted me ever since.  I didn’t write it down, so I can’t quote it exactly for you, but it went something along the lines of loneliness being a stop along our path, not a final destination.  It was actually written much more eloquently than that, but that’s the gist.  And it rubbed me the wrong way.  I’m not sure why; it’s not like I’ve done a great deal of thinking about loneliness, but I’d apparently inadvertently done enough that I instantly disagreed.

Now, granted, I’m not the average American.  For instance, I don’t think that ALL pain is bad for us.  In fact, I’m a rather avid believer that God often not only allows, but welcomes pain into our lives in order to mold us into the beings He’d originally designed for us to be. He often uses pain to help us become the most develop version of ourselves that we can in this broken universe.  And so, while I don’t always welcome pain, I think I don’t flee from it as much as many people around me.  I don’t see it as a curse.

And loneliness fits into that.  Loneliness, is, after all, painful.  But what if my loneliness ISN’T a bad thing?  I know most people say that loneliness is that longing to be known, to have someone love you – even after knowing all the wonderful good and slimy junk that makes up your story.  Which, I’d agree with.  I know most people say that loneliness is ended when a person finds their “soul mate”, or the one that makes them complete.  But I have known many a married person (with wonderful spouses) who STILL have lonely days.  And, when that husband or wife doesn’t fulfill the needs of the other, often there is a lot of bitterness and anger.

But, what if humans can’t take our loneliness away from us?  What if no human can, no matter how kindred of a spirit they are, or how very close of a soul mate they are to you?  What if that’s not their job?  Because if so, then we’re getting angry at each other (and breaking up relationships) over something those relationships were never meant to do, over something those people were never able to do.

What if, WHAT IF our loneliness is our soul longing to be back in communion with Christ the way we were originally intended to be at the beginning of the world? In Eden?  What if that longing is the desire to be one with Christ?

Than all of our expecting mere humans to fulfill that desire is idolatry.  Than our trying to block out our loneliness is really us trying to replace God with boyfriends or movies or food or video games or being in shape or cars or shopping or volunteering or sports.   And that’s not good.  It keeps us from knowing and embracing the masterpiece that God intends each of us to be.

So my challenge to you is to stop trying to avoid or drown-out loneliness.  But the next time it comes around, welcome it.  Take some time out and pray, or be still, or go on a hike and talk to your Creator.  Draw close to the One who knows you better than anyone ever could (even a husband or wife); cuddle up with your ultimate Soul Mate, the One you were created for.

I thought a reflection what God’s been teaching me might be appropriate this week, since this is the “week of love”, or something like that, thanks to Valentine’s Day.  Honestly, I love Valentine’s Day.  It’s my favorite holiday.  Now, having just said that, if you don’t know me, you’re probably thinking that the reason it’s my favorite is because I’ve always had some wonderful guy to make me feel special on this chocolate-filled day.  But that’s not true.  Not once in my over-a-quarter-of-century number of years have I had a guy make me feel special on this day, except my father when I was in fifth grade.  But that’s a story for another time.   I take Valentine’s Day and have fun.  I wear something I feel pretty in (usually something new).  On my way home from work I stop and buy myself a flower or two and a nummy dessert (this year will be cheesecake!).  Then, after dinner I’ll curl up with a good movie and savor my cheesecake.  I always go to bed feeling loved, beautiful, and special.

It took me a while to get to this point though.  I have a poem I wrote a couple years ago entitled, “Happy Singles Awareness Day” that is a bit…bitter.  It’s taken me years (like, a lifetime) to figure out that really, despite what everything around me tells me, all I need to feel loved and special is to accept the love of God, my Daddy, my Beloved.  I was sitting in Bible Study Saturday morning with three other wise women, and one commented on how when she was a little child, she never doubted that God loved her.  It wasn’t until she got older that she began to wonder.  The others agreed.  And I just sat there.  I don’t remember ever thinking that God loved me when I was younger.  I mean, I knew He cared, and I knew He loved me because God is love so He couldn’t help but to love me.  But… He didn’t love me AS MUCH or in the same way as He loved everyone around me.  I knew God had placed me on this earth to be a vessel He would use to love other people, not to be loved myself.

I’m not sure exactly where that crazy idea came from, but it affected me and how I lived my life.  I think God got sick of it though.  He began working in my heart, creating a desire to KNOW that I was loved by Him beyond all doubt.  And then He placed some insightful, wise women in my life who insisted that I learn to accept the fact that God (and they) loved me.  It took some getting used to.  You can’t just un-believe something you’ve believed your entire life.  But I worked on it, and now, a couple years later, I KNOW that God loves me. It’s only been in the last year though, that this has become a solid fact in my heart.

There came a point this last summer when I stopped everything and told God that if He really did love me like everyone had told me, then I wanted to know it. I wanted to be as aware of His love as I was of my own name.  I screamed that at Him until I had no more strength to scream.  And then I cried.  That’s generally my version of wrestling with Him. And I’ve gotten so much better.  It’s been a process; and one I’ll probably have to work through for the rest of my life.  But it’s better.

And partly that’s because I realized that God is sending me love letters all the time.  He’s showing me He loves me in every sunrise and sunset.  In every flower that crosses my path.  In every un-looked-for hug from a friend.  In every reason to laugh. In every warm cookie or cup of hot chocolate.  He’s there.  Reminding me that I’m special and He loves me.  I just have to open my eyes and accept that He really and truly DOES love me.  And I maybe need to take time to watch the sunrise and sunset more often; He’d probably enjoy that.

Anyway, all that to say, if you’re feeling unloved this week, maybe it’s because you haven’t been looking around you.  Maybe you haven’t been taking the time to notice all the little love notes your Lover has been sending you. After all, if you don’t open them, what good do they do?  You wouldn’t leave a valentine from your boyfriend unopened would you?  So go open the ones from God.