Category Archives: Uncategorized

November 22, 2013 · 1:19 pm

Speak Up, Man!

i-hate-talking-on-the-phone

I once dated a young man who loved The Simpsons.  We worked together, and throughout the day he would come up to me and spout random quotes.  One of his favorites was, “The problem in the world today is communication.  Too much communication.”  And then he would walk off.  Yep.

I just entered that weird phase that NO ONE WARNS YOU ABOUT where you’re old and young all at the same time.  But, I’ve lived long enough to firmly believe that most relationship (friends, family, romantic) issues could be worked out if people actually had the courage to communicate…and maybe the insight as to when and how to communicate.

Bringing up a deep topic, or something that’s really bothering you, while the other person is tired, or frustrated, or distracted with their phone, or, well, generally not listening – that’s NOT communication.  You gotta pick your time carefully.

So, you might need some patience, and a lot of prayer.  But, even if you have to wait two days, or two weeks, it’s still important to talk about whatever was bugging you at the time.  Simply “forgetting about it” (in my experience, no one can truly “forget about” something – it’s down there  … lingering  ….festering …. ) never helps anyone.  You need to talk it out.

I know it’s uncomfortable.  I know it’s painful.  I know it was so long ago.  You still need to – generally.

Now, saying that, I should add, that I’m a pretty huge hypocrite in this area.  There are several conversations I’m never going to have with several people in my life that maybe I should.  There are words I am never going to say.  Because I’m convinced that those words aren’t going to do any good.  Due to the character of one of these people, speaking to him would do more harm than good.  Sometimes that happens.  And because of that ,I have a lot of hard work to do on my own – working through stuff.  But it’s important to work through the pain and anger; if I’d just ignore it, well, that’s when I allow bitterness to settle in.  And bitterness is the great unspoken sin.  It’s a couple steps away from hatred.  Don’t go there.

I’m not going to talk about some of the hurts and pain I’ve been given from another friend because they happened years and years ago, and I know she wouldn’t remember them.  She’s a different person now.  I’ve had to do the hard work to see that, to work past long-ignored pain that was blinding me to the woman she is now.  And I’ve promised myself that from now on, now that I realize how important it is, as other stuff comes up in our friendship (because, in a true friendship, stuff occasionally comes up) I will talk to her about it.

See, it’s important to work out our pain.  It’s one of the ways we let it go, one of the ways we release it.  It’s vital that we talk about it with the person who hurt us – in the right time, the right place, the right attitude.  I cannot stress how important the right time, place and attitude are!!!  They are key, vital, imperative, crucial…you get the point.  So, pray about it.  Pray as you’re in that moment, knees bent, wound freshly bleeding.  Pray for God to give you the words to say to help the other person understand things from your point of view.  Pray for God to restore the relationship.

But, whatever you do, don’t pretend that it doesn’t matter.  Or that you’ll get over it.  In fact, we’re commanded to not ignore this stuff.  Ephesians says to not let the sun go down on our anger.  Talk it out, or if the time and place (or attitude) isn’t “right” yet – write it down, journal about it.  Or draw a picture about it.  Go for a walk and write a note that you need to talk about it.  Pray about it until you have peace.  But don’t go to bed still hurt and angry.  It doesn’t make for very restful sleep.  Believe me.

I’m convinced that many of the abandoned relationships that lay shattered on the ground all around us could have been saved had people just talked about stuff – before the hurt got too deep, or there got to be too many of “not big deal” wounds.

Relationships are important, people are important.  And guess what, relationships can’t really have any sort of depth without communication – in whatever form that looks like for you.  You HAVE to talk – about the good stuff, the fun stuff, the everyday stuff, the painful stuff, the angery-ifying stuff, the scary stuff.  Real friendship means telling the other person the stuff that never makes it to Facebook, or Instagram, or Twitter.  It means being very open with each other.  It means trusting the other person.  Lots and lots of trust – and forgiveness.  It has to happen, or else the relationship becomes unhealthy.  And well, unhealthy relationships don’t tend to last.

They are two of the few things (if not the only two) that you get to take with you to heaven.  So make sure you take care of them.   Talk stuff out, don’t pretend it doesn’t matter.   It does.  You know it, and so do they.

And while I actually do believe there is such a thing as “Too much communication”, I believe that has more to do with focusing on the something, and never allowing yourself to grow. Or you’re telling the world facts that hurt another person.  I’m sure there are examples, but they’re not the point of this particular blog.  For the most part, in real, deep, lasting relationships, there is NO SUCH THING as “too much communication.”

                So – go communicate people!  Even if it means awkwardness, or a red face, or a shredding a napkin while you’re trying to get the words out.

Pic cred 

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November 15, 2013 · 1:21 pm

The thin boundary between worlds

Bear with me here.  I’m processing this.  This has been on my mind for months, and this is the closest I’ve come to getting it out.  Please feel free to respond and put in your two cents.

There is a repeated theme in fantasy literature that there are places where the boundaries between the supernatural world and the physical world are thinner, where our actions in the physical world can affect the supernatural world, and visa versa.

I know it’s not always the best idea to get your theology, or even world view, from fantasy literature, but sometimes it speaks truth in a way that no other sort of story (or text book) can.  Hence C. S. Lewis writing The Chronicles of Narnia, or J.R.R. Tolkien writing The Lord of The Rings.  Actually, the truth in mythology is a big reason why C. S. Lewis became a Christian (or so legend says).

The thing is, this principle isn’t just in my favorite fantasy literature; it’s all over the Bible.  Look at Job: Satan talked to God – in the spiritual realm – and then Job’s physical world came shattering down around him.  Look most of the last third of Moses’ life, as he led the Israelites around the desert.  Look at the miracles Elijah and Elisha performed.  Look at Jesus.

There is an overlap.

And maybe this is because we are not just physical beings, but spiritual as well.  We live in a culture that currently believes that Science and Logic will always have the last word.  And yet there are so many unanswered questions in our lives that Science and Logic will never be able to answer.  So many heart longings that make absolutely no sense, but that make us miserable until we pursue them.  We are spiritual beings.

And so, as both spiritual and physical beings, sometimes what we do in the physical world echoes into the spiritual – our actions, our words.  Not always, but sometimes.

This is the part I’m not sure about.  I don’t know where the overlap is.  Is it everything?  Is it only the important stuff?  Is it in the quiet moments?  I’m willing to bet ceremonies like weddings and baptisms are a few of those times.  And those moments when you inexplicably feel loved.  Or when you just know that you know that you need to do something, or say something to someone, even if it doesn’t make any sense to you.

I don’t know exactly what the implications are.  I know there are some.  I know there is some sort of important life application here, but other than just becoming more aware of the consequences of your physical actions, and learning to listen to the spiritual side of you (um, otherwise known as the conscience the Holy Spirit has put in you…or the Holy Spirit Himself), which are both HUGE things, I don’t know.

But I know it’s important.

So, talk to me.

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November 8, 2013 · 11:41 am

Baptism

under water

 

“What we do in life echoes in eternity”

I couldn’t understand why I had to do it; I just knew I needed to.  But there was no way I was going to do what I needed to do before I knew WHY I needed to do it.

That sounds confusing.  Let’s back up.

When I was ten, I watched my babysitter get baptized, and something in me longed to do the same.  When I told Mom that I wanted to do that too, she said I should wait until I was older, when I knew what that action meant.   Years passed and while the desire would come back when I watched others get baptized, somehow it was never the “right” moment for me.

The summer I was twenty-six, I had been back from Bahrain for a full year, and I had just begun healing.  My church had a baptism, and as I watched some of my youth group kids get baptized, the old longing returned.  I knew next year, at next summer’s church picnic, I would get baptized.

I never doubted that this was going to happen, but I instantly wanted to know WHY I needed to be baptized.   After all, I had said the prayer seventeen years before.  If a simple prayer saves you (I’m not convinced of this, by the way) than I’d been saved for seventeen years.  Everyone who knew me knew I was a Christian.  If the point of baptism, as it appeared to be in the Bible, was simply declare my faith, why did I need to go through the actions?  It wasn’t necessary.  My salvation was not dependant on my baptism, so why?

No one could really answer my question other than, “Well, Jesus did it.  And we’re supposed to imitate Jesus.  So, you need to do it. It’s an obedience thing.”

But that didn’t really explain anything for me.  WHY?  WHY was this ceremony, were these specific actions, necessary?

So, since no one could explain it to me, I took my Bible and journal to a coffee shop, and had it out with God.  I told him I wanted to do this, but I also wanted to know what I was doing.  I wanted to understand the significance of these actions.

And I sat there in silence, staring off into space, waiting, listening, for a good chunk of time.

And gently, quietly, a picture of a wedding worked its way into my consciousness.  As I looked at the bride and groom in the picture, I realized they could have asked a similar question.  The wedding ceremony didn’t change how they felt about each other.  It didn’t change their commitment level to each other.  The wedding was simply a public declaration to the world of what was already in their hearts, and it was the bride and groom’s asking the congregation to be part of their story.  To celebrate with them in the joyous moments, to cry with them in the unbearable moments, and to help them push through in the moments when all they would want to do is run in the opposite direction.    And there was something about the ceremony that made the commitment more solid, harder to break.  Maybe it was the ceremony itself that changed the commitment into a covenant.

And the same was true of me getting baptized.  It was me declaring my love and obedience to my Lord and Savior.  It was me inviting others into my story, asking them to keep me accountable, to help me out, to rejoice with me.  It was an intentional public display of affection.

The quiet sploosh of me being dunked beneath the water, will forever be one of the most holy sounds I ever hear.   In that moment, my physical body echoed what my spirit had long ago done, and it was about time the two were unified and in agreement.

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November 1, 2013 · 2:44 pm

No Great Expectations

He’ll notice the non-existent tear in the corner of your eye, and ask what’s wrong.   She’ll have your favorite dinner, perfectly prepared, waiting, steaming hot on the table when you come home.  He’ll intuitively know when to bring you a rose for no reason.  She’ll know the perfect words to say to remind you of the man you are.  She’ll always be beautiful.  He’ll always be able to fix the leaky sink.
She’ll know when to take you out for coffee and just listen, and she’ll know when to interrupt.  He’ll know when to get you to come over and play X-Box and to let you kick his butt.
She’ll know when to hug you and put a band-aide on your owy.  He’ll know when he needs to call you Princess and scare the teenage boy cowering behind you – mostly because he wants both you and the boy to know how very special you are.
She’ll glare at you whenever you pass in the hallway.  He’ll call you names behind your back.
He’ll ask you why you didn’t try harder on the test…again.  She’ll give you slack because she always does, and let you get by with it again…this time.
He’ll take care of everything, make sure the world runs smoothly, make sure none of the children go hungry or get hurt.

I once had a friend tell me that he was working at not having any expectations in his relationships.  And I thought he was crazy. You need expectations, right?  Otherwise people will walk all over you; otherwise people will use you.  Otherwise you’re the only one giving in relationships.  Otherwise you’re directionless.

But, the longer I live, and the more relationship experience I have, the more I realize how wise my friend is.  Expectations in relationships – romantic, friends, parents or simply someone in your social circle, or even of God  – are incredibly damaging.

When we think we know how someone should react, or what they should do, we limit them to our standards.  No, seriously, think about it.  If you have a certain idea of how your best friend is supposed to treat you, when she doesn’t it, it’s incredibly painful for you.  And you probably get angry, because she didn’t do what you needed to do; she didn’t do her job as best friend.  Shouldn’t she know better?  So you punish her (get angry, pout, stop talking, or simply hold it against her until you can’t hold it in any longer) until she gets the hint and starts acting the way YOU want her to.
And when you carry those ideas around with you, you’re really hurting your friendship.  You’re not allowing her to be her*.  And, you’re saying that she has to act a certain way, when maybe she never thought of that, or maybe she was trying to do something better for you, or, well who knows.  The point being, you had expectations of her, and now that she didn’t follow through, some part of you that was banking on her doing that, is incredibly hurt.

See, the thing is, our expectations are one way we exercise control over people.  We expect them to be, or do, or look a certain way.  And we get hurt and furious when they don’t.

The same is true of God.  When we have expectations of who He is, or what He’s like, or what He should or can do, we limit Him, and we try to control Him.  Our expectations dictate what we think His actions should be.  But the crazy thing is – He’s GOD.  As Job found out – who are we to say what He’s like, what He should do, or question His letting children in Africa go hungry?  I know, I sound super shallow saying that.  I sound like callous, like I don’t care.  But I do.  So I do everything a poor, broke white girl in the US can do.  But I don’t get angry at God.  He’s God.  He is GOOD.  He has a plan.  My expectations of Him only damage our relationship.
So I let God do what God does best – be God.  I trust that He’s going to stick with who He is, the solid truths I know about Him.  And so I’m just along for the ride.

The thing is, we think that we can’t give up those expectations.  That somehow releasing those expectations of the people around us will allow them to be less than who we need them to be.  Or that the need that they sorta-almost-kinda fill will be completely neglected in us.  And it’s painful.  It’s harmful.  But the thing I’ve discovered is that holding grudges for expectations not met, for keeping those expectations when it’s obvious that person is NEVER going to live up to them, is actually incredibly more painful and harmful than if we were to let them go.
If you let them go – if you let the expectations go – than you allow that person to be who they really are.  You’ve given them freedom.  And who knows but that in their freedom they now have the room to be who you needed them to be – even if you didn’t realize you needed them to be that.  And somehow, in your release of your expectations of them – you allow God to step in and fill the spots that your friend or family couldn’t.   And that’s when healing begins.

We all have expectations.  Boyfriends and girlfriends have expectations of each other.  Husbands and wives have expectations of each other.  Daughters have expectations of their daddies.  Best friends have expectations of each other.  We all (whether or not we realize it) have expectations of God.  Let them go.

Let them go.  See what your relationships look like if you allow that person (or God) to simply be who they are.  See what your relationships look like if you allow God to fill the needs in you that right now, you’re expecting someone else to fill (and they’re failing miserably at).

I’m betting your pain will be dramatically less, and the relationship, over time, will get healthier than you’ve ever imagined.   Granted, it will be incredibly hard.  It’s natural for humans to have expectations of each other. It’s just what we do.  It’s part of how we make sense of the world around us.  And it’s part of how we kill each other.

So now I’m striving to live as my friend does –  relationships with No Expectations.

*Now, there are times we need to confront (gulp) our friends or family or even God when they really aren’t doing something we need them to do (or are doing something we need them NOT to do).  But if we hold expectations of how they should act – that confrontation is an angry confrontation.  While, if we didn’t have those expectations, that confrontation is a gentle one, one of humility and need.

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October 25, 2013 · 1:25 pm

Spiders, Diving Boards, and Fear

high dive

          I can still remember sitting on the couch, Mom sitting next to me, trying to comfort my teary soul.

                It was the summer of my eleventh birthday, and, as usual for summer, I was taking swimming lessons.  In class that day, we had been given the chance to jump off the high-dive, and the rumor was that we were going to be forced to jump the next day.  I hadn’t gotten a chance to jump today, and now I was super-scared of jumping tomorrow.  Now, this wasn’t any normal fifteen feet higher than the surface of the water high dive board, like you usually see.  This was like one of those Olympic high dives where you had enough space for at least four or six Goliath-sized giants to stand on each other’s shoulders between the tip of the dive board and the surface of the water.  It was high.  And the ladder to climb to the top was, of course, LONG and high.  Top of Mount Everest high.

  Now, before you get any ideas, I’m not afraid of heights.  There are many things I have a healthy (or unhealthy in some cases – spiders) fear of, but heights is NOT one of them.  But, for whatever reason, I was deathly afraid of jumping off that high board.  

The crazy thing was, I hadn’t been as I watched several of my classmates jump off.  I wasn’t afraid at all during the drive home.  I was excited.  But somehow, as I got further away from the actual board, it kept getting taller and taller.  And, as I talked with Mom about it, I felt fear growing in me.   I actually realized that I was getting more afraid the more I talked about it.  I even worked myself into tears.  I remember having this disconnected part of me thinking, “What’s going on?  Two minutes ago I was excited, why am I scared now?”  But I was.  Deathly so.  Suddenly, what had just a few minutes before been an exciting adventure, was going to literally kill me.  I pictured myself jumping off and never coming up – I would die at the bottom of the deep end.  Or I would jump, and I might even come back up, but I wouldn’t know where I was, and so I’d die swimming in circles.

I know, it sounds crazy.  The teachers were there to direct me, to protect me, or to swim down to the bottom and bring me up.  But the more I focused on the dive board, the more fear grew in me.

Which, I have learned, is how fear works.  It grows.  Whether or not it’s a rational fear – you focus on it, and it will grow.  You focus on doing the world’s worst belly-flop off of a dive board that is five giants’ height tall, and your fear of death (or all your bones shattering at once) will grow.  You focus on falling down a mountain you’ve just hiked up, you will be practically immobilized as you try to climb down.  You focus on that small, harmless beige spider on the wall jumping at you and biting at your neck like a vampire – and your fear will grow.  Promise.  Suddenly your fear of that harmless spider will be so great that you can’t squish it with a Kleenex.  You’ll be screaming for your mother, or your boyfriend, to do it for you.  And they will laugh.  Because they just see the tiny little spider on the wall whereas YOU see this ginormous, face-sized, hairy spider that is cackling as he preps for the jump.

Fear makes us do silly things – like screaming bloody-murder over a spider, like never crossing the monkey bars as a kid, like never leaving our house, or never getting on an airplane, like not asking the teacher why we missed a point on the test (and so getting a lower grade), like avoiding conversations (and so ruining friendships).

Fear is a big deal.  It’s incredibly harmful. And the longer you don’t deal with it, the longer you let whatever you’re afraid of dance around in your mind, the higher the dive board gets, the hairier the spider, the darker the shadow, the meaner the teacher, the angrier the friend gets.

The longer you avoid your fear, the more power you give to that fear.

Fear is NOT one of those things that if you just ignore it, it will go away.  Promise.

Fear doesn’t go away, it grows – unless you deal with it head-on.

So, my advice?  Go deal with whatever you’re afraid of.  As they used to say in wild west – bite the bullet (they used to literally bite a bullet so they didn’t scream during surgery – no place for painkillers in the west) as soon as possible.  Just get it over with.  It’s probably not as bad as you’re making it out to be.  Go have that conversation.  Say “hi”.  Squish the spider.  Jump off the high board.    You’d be surprised how freeing and light you’ll feel after you get it over with.  Defeating fear is a crazy-awesome feeling.  You almost you believe you can fly…which might be a problem if you’re afraid of heights.

And no, I was not forced to jump off the high-dive the next day.  In fact, I think my teachers got in trouble for letting my classmates do it the day before, because we stayed  away from that part of the pool for the rest of the class sessions.  Go figure.  It’s okay though, I’m not afraid of high dives anymore.  I’ve jumped off of many since then.

shelob

You mean this isn’t what you see every time you see a spider?

Picture of high dive found here
 Shelob

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October 18, 2013 · 1:31 pm

Courage, plain and simple

The knight in shining armor, vanquishing the dragon or the evil witch.    The woman who won’t give up her seat on the bus.  The policeman who delicately deals with the man with a gun.  The fireman who runs into the burning building.  The teacher who works with students who could care less about learning how to add fractions because their mom didn’t come home.  The girl who does her best on the history test, even though she hasn’t made over a C on a test all year.  The boy who goes out for the football team again, even though he hasn’t made the team the last two years.

Courage comes in all shapes and sizes.  Which is kind of the problem.  We assume that courage looks more like the knight in shining armor than the boy who gets cut… again… from the football team.  Or that courage looks more like the woman who refused to move back a row on the bus, than the girl who refuses to give up trying in school.  But, in many ways, the everyday, ordinary, doesn’t-even-feel-like-it courage is the harder kind.  Because it’s the kind you have to deal with every single day.  Day in and day out.  Time after time after time.  Never ending.  At least with the knight, if he doesn’t succeed it’s all over – because he’s dead.  Or the woman on the bus – she had no idea that day when she woke up that she was going to make history that day.  It wasn’t in her plans.  Promise.

The thing is though, if you’re NOT courageous in the day-to-day stuff, like school, or work, or whatever is hard for you, than when it comes to facing the dragon or the witch or the burning building, you’re not going to be ready for it.  Because you haven’t practiced.  Courage takes practice.  Every day, don’t give up, keep trying, keep pushing, practice.  Courage isn’t going to suddenly burst from you when the huge, life-or-death, history-making hard stuff comes by if you’re not practicing it in your day-to-day life.  You have to practice it in your day-to-day life!!!!  The everyday, little stuff counts!

So, what does daily courage look like?  It looks like going to school even though it’s not fun or easy.  It looks like trying to get along with your family.  It looks like facing the daily grind with a smile.  It looks like hoping things will be different this time, even though history says they shouldn’t be.  It looks like gently confronting a friend, telling them how what they are doing is hurting you, or how they’re hurting themselves.  It looks like being willing to deal with the elephant in the room, to deal with the awkwardness that is, for whatever reason, between you and someone else.    It means facing the hard, uncomfortable stuff – not avoiding it.

It’s easy to avoid stuff.  Unfortunately, it’s also cowardly.  And, well, while being a coward feels more comfortable in that moment – it’s only for that moment.  It actually steals little tiny bits of you at a time, because God didn’t make you a coward.  With Him, through Him, you’re supposed to be bold and courageous (that’s in the Bible).  Being a coward means denying who you were created to be.

So, go say the hard stuff.  Say “hi”.  Workout and practice throwing all year, and try out for that football team – again.  Study your heart out, Dear, and do your best on that next History test.  Have the courage to hope that when you go talk to your boss about that thing, it’s going to be different this time.  Believe that God is who He says He is, that He’ll do what He promises…even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

That is courage.

And it is, ladies and gentlemen, incredibly important.

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October 11, 2013 · 2:43 pm

Stop and watch the leaves

DSCN4566

I am crazy busy right now.  Midterms are in two weeks, but because of papers and other projects and youth group stuff and friends, I haven’t even really begun to start studying.  That will change this evening.

I’m not complaining about my life.  I’m enjoying every second of it – maybe more than I have in years.  I love my classes.  I love my friends and where our relationships are right now.  I love my beautiful teen women and can see God doing so much in them.

But I am busy.  Granted, I am always busy, generally, but this is more than normal.  I’m having to schedule things that I normally don’t schedule.  I don’t see my friends as much as I’d like to.  And any ability to just drop things and go do something because I have time to do what I was going to do now, later – is just gone.

And, to be honest, I hate that part.  I feel like I’m running in circles.  I’m actually pretty worried about falling behind and never being able to get back on top of everything.  It’s not good.

It’s in moments like this – moments of chaos and uncertainty  – it is these moments that surround the verse in Psalms 46 – when God commands us to “be still”.  Now, sometime in the future I fully intend on doing a study on that word and verse, but for now, simply knowing “be still” is enough.

Granted, I can’t really “be still” right now.  Not physically.  But my spirit can be.  My spirit can abide in Christ, and trust that He’s got my back, that’s He’s protecting me and working in me through all the crazy stuff that is my life right now.   The problem is, I’m not any good at that.  So, I get to work on it.  Which is okay; He has definitely given me the perfect setting to do just that!

Especially when He helps you.  For me, there is nothing like a calm, peaceful Autumn afternoon, hanging out by running water, taking pictures of the beauty around me.  There is very little like a good conversation with a close friend, to remind me to abide.  To slow me down.  To give my soul room to sigh, smile, and bask in His goodness.

Which is exactly what He did for me Saturday afternoon.  Sometimes He hijacks what you think you’re doing, and you discover He’s done so much you didn’t expect.

So, look for your moments, your things He has given you that remind you to slow down.  Those things that give you peace.   Those activities that revitalize you.  And remember to breathe, to smile,  and just look around you.  The Earth, especially this time of year, is gorgeous.  It’s a great reminder.

 

Psalm 46: 9 – 11
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our fortress.    Selah

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October 4, 2013 · 3:32 pm

Expect Perfection

Hello, my name is Amy, and I’m a broken Christian.

When churches mention building projects, because of my past history with them, everything inside me shrinks, and thinks, “Here we go again; in a couple years, we’ll be another sad, cautionary tale, that, apparently, no one will listen too, because they’ll still be doing the same thing”.  Which, of course, isn’t always true.  It just has been in my personal past.

When a man smiles extra-friendly-like at me, I don’t see it.  Or I pretend not to see and walk away quickly. I’m not sure how to handle flirting from a stranger.  I’ve been pretty hurt in this area before – mostly by my own inner thoughts.

When a man gets angry around me…everything in me shuts down and wants to find a blanket to cover my head with and a corner to hide in.   I don’t speak peace into the situation; I run and hide.

When someone asks me to do something, my immediate, gut response is “yes” – whether or not I can or have time to do it.  I HATE saying “no”.  This is not healthy or always helpful.

I don’t respect and appreciate my body as much as I should…mostly because it’s never worked the way everyone else’s seems to.   Still, I should love it more; it is, after all, a pretty amazing gift.

I cringe at some worship songs, and sing others too freely.

I sometimes try to manipulate God by praying extra hard or promising to do something (or to never do something again).  This is not very respectful or very faith-full.

I don’t always stand up for those I love.  I’m not sure why; I just instantly freeze.  I think of ten responses a half hour later.

I take God, His goodness, His grace for granted.

I don’t expect His justice enough.  Or respect His righteousness enough.

I get angry…and then suppress it.

I am not always as respectful to my father as I should be.

I sometimes waste money and time.

Sometimes I use people.  I never mean to though, not that this fact makes my usage any better.

I often let my thoughts wander to places that I shouldn’t.  If, according to Jesus, thinking about something is as bad as actually doing it, I’m in trouble.

 

I am not perfect.  And as much as I would love to say some day I will be, I don’t actually think that’s possible…at least, not until heaven.  But I wish people wouldn’t expect us to be perfect anyway.  Christians expect other Christians to be perfect, and then tear each other apart when we aren’t.  The world expects Christians to be perfect (perhaps because we expect it of ourselves?), and then gets mad at us when we’re not.

But see, the thing is, Jesus never calls us to perfection – He calls us to imitate Him.  And yes, He was perfect, so you could make that jump.  But I think it’s important that we don’t.  You can be “perfect” and live nothing like Christ – the Pharisees came pretty close.  We are called to be like Christ, which is, to live a holy, righteous, God-focused life.  Which, of course,  due to the disposition towards sin that Adam and Eve so generously gave every human who ever lived, means that living a truly, entirely, holy life is impossible.

And this is why we need Jesus, and His sacrifice on the cross.  Because we aren’t good enough to enter into the presence of God the Father without Jesus’ precious, perfect blood.  Because we’re sinful.  Because we’re imperfect and broken.

Sometimes it’s good to be reminded of this.  To be reminded that we’re not perfect – and so we can’t expect anyone around us to be perfect.  We forget this so often.  WE CAN’T EXPECT ANYONE AROUND US TO BE PERFECT.  So give them a little extra grace, because God gave you A LOT of extra grace.  And remember that you’re not perfect.  You’re broken.  And while that’s awful and separates you from God, it’ll work out okay in the end.  Jesus has got you covered.   Literally.

Hi, I’m Amy, and I’m an imperfect Christian.

 

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September 27, 2013 · 2:48 pm

Little White Lies

This past weekend I was part of girls’ overnighter where the topic was the lies we believe, and the effect they have on us.  I thought maybe I should post my ending talk here, for today.  It’s definitely a message we forget or ignore all to often.  

Little white lies.  They’re supposed to be no big deal, right?  That’s why they’re called “little” and “white”.  But the truth is, lies – little and white, or big and black – are all lies.  And they hinder truth.  Lies hide things.  Lies cover up mistakes.  Lies cover up sins.  Lies cover up make everything look okay – on the surface.

                But by covering things up, by hiding things, those lies are keeping the world from seeing the real you.  Those lies keep you from healing.  I know it sounds weird, but those lies you believe about yourself, the ones you are acting according to, they are keeping the real you from the world.  And some part of you, whether or not you realize it, resents those lies.  Resents the cover-up, because some part of you, however deep down it might be, knows God created you to shine, and to be seen.  That’s just how it works.  You might think that I’m crazy right now, and you might think I’m crazy for a few more years, but eventually, you will come to realize that I’m right.

                Eventually everything in you will scream to be known, to come clean – no matter how painful that might be.  And you will have to set aside the lies that you might not even realize right now you’re wearing. 

                And you’ll have to face the lie you’ve believed that says your body is too thin, or too fat.  Because that lie has kept you from being comfortable in the skin God gave you.  And this grieves God’s heart.  And it keeps you from realizing just how beautiful you are, and it doesn’t allow you to be the confident woman you are.

                And you’ll have to peel off the lie that says you have to be emotionally strong.  The one that says you can’t show any emotion to anyone, because that’s weakness.  And you aren’t good enough to be weak.  Or that others need you too much for you to be weak.  Or that you aren’t good enough for your tears or giggles.  Because this keeps you from experiencing life to its fullest.  It keeps you from feeling, and allowing other people into your heart and life.  It keeps you from crying your heart out (which can be very healthy) or from giggling like a little girl who was just given her first Barbie doll. 

                And you’ll have to unwind the lie that says you aren’t worthy of love.  Because by believing this one, you can’t accept love from anyone.  Which hurts not only yourself, but them too.  This lie keeps everyone at a distance.

                And you’ll have to rip off the lie that says that you’re too girly….or not girly enough.  Because by believing this one, you are denying the essence of you – the very way God molded you.  You aren’t embracing the woman God purposefully designed you to be, and trying to be someone else.  And by doing that, you aren’t being yourself, the woman God delights in and others enjoy.

                And you’ll have to deal with the lie that God doesn’t love you.  Because if you believe God doesn’t love you, you can’t truly believe that anyone else does either.

                And you’ll have to deal with the lie that you’re needy.
                And that you aren’t smart enough, or that you’re too smart.
                And that you’ll never fit in.
                And that you aren’t pretty enough.
                Or that a guy will never find you attractive.
                Or that you aren’t worthy of a guy’s attention (this one will make you be willing to go so much further physically than you ever would if believed you were worthy of his attention).
                Or that you’ll never understand how to do something.
                Or that you’ll never achieve your dream.
                Or that ….

Well, you get the idea.  All these lies, each and every one keeps some precious part of you hidden away from the people God has put in your life.  Each and every one hides the beautiful, amazing woman you are.  The woman God has called you to be, with a very specific purpose and plan on this planet called earth.

               And so, what do we do with these lies?  Because if you leave them here, they WILL come back and bind you tighter.  That’s just how our brains work.  You take something out, our brains want to replace it with something else, or else our brains dredge back up the lie.  We have to believe SOMETHING about ourselves.

                So, we re-name the lies.  We record over them.  We replace them.  We write over them. 

                Instead of believing that you’re ugly, when that lie floats through your mind (and it will), you remember what God has to say about you.  You write on top of that lie that Psalms 139: 14 – “For I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made”.  And you say that verse over and over again until you can’t hear the lie anymore.

                Instead of believing that God doesn’t love you, you record over that lie that “you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have the strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the depth, height,  width and length of God’s love for you.” 

                Instead of believing the lie that says you aren’t special, that there’s nothing unique about you, you’ll write over it that “God chose you to go and bear fruit”.  And you’ll remember how very much He wants you to abide in Him and know Him.  And you’ll repeat this verse over and over until the lies are smothered.

                I know, it sounds like we’re brainwashing you.  And everything in you is saying that this won’t work.  So, I ask you to try it for a while.  To honestly, give it a real try – even if you’re skeptical. 

                And I promise you, it will work.  I know most of you think scripture is rather empty and wordy and boring.  And yeah, it sure can be.

                But it’s also God’s love letter to us, and it’s God’s words – so it is powerful.  Like really, send demons running powerful.  So, of course, it can kill a lie or two.  Especially little white ones.  But you have to be willing to listen to it and give it a chance.  And every time, every stinkin’ time you notice yourself listening to a lie, you pull up your verses and sing them or recite them or read them over and over and over until the lie is gone. 

                And then, And THEN girls….you – the real you – the woman God created you to be, can be seen.  And the world gets the honor and privilege of knowing her.  And SHE gets to experience life as she was created to experience it. 

                And that, girls, THAT is a wonderful, beautiful thing! 

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September 20, 2013 · 1:19 pm

Where Does God Fit?

I was sitting in a circle of high schoolers, listening to them talk about God and life and stuff, when I noticed one of the guys obviously had something on his chest to say.  He listening as well as he could, but he was moving around a lot, and not really adding to the conversation.  When he couldn’t wait any longer; when he couldn’t hold it back, this came out:
“Look guys, it’s fine to say that we’re Christians and all.  It’s fine to say you love God.  But you don’t really mean it.  I mean, I talk to my friends, and they say, ‘I love God’.  And then I ask them why they’re going to the college they’re going to, and they say, ‘Because I like the campus’ or ‘Because they have a good sports program’.  They don’t even bring God into it.  If we really love God, if we really believe He is who He says He is, shouldn’t He be part of that?  Shouldn’t He be part of every decision we make?  A major part of our life?”

And he’s right.  We do lip-service to God.  We say we love Him, we might pray over our dinner, and we definitely pray when things aren’t going our way, but often, that’s about it.  And really, God should be more involved than that.

So, what does that mean?  God’s not exactly in physical form these days.  He can’t hang out at a coffee shop with you and tell you what to do next.  Even if He was, I’m not sure He’d give you the next three how-to steps of life.  But I think He still wants to know.  He wants you to talk to Him.  I know He wants to know what you’re thinking, why you’re feeling the way you are, all of that.  I mean, sure, He’s God, so He already knows.  But…but He likes hearing it from our mouths too.  He desires that sort of relationship with us.  He wants to be one of the people you tell everything to.

But how?  If you can’t sit on a couch with God, or go on a hike with Him, and tell Him face-to-face what’s going on, than…..how?  For me, I journal.  It’s how I pray.  If I don’t write it down, my mind wanders.  If I write it down, at least there’s some sort of physical aspect going on in the conversation, and I can pay better attention.  And if God’s telling me something, I write that down too.

And because I have this relationship with God, I do ask Him what He thinks about the decisions I have to make.  I want to know what He’s thinking.  After all, He’s God.  If we can talk to Him, it makes sense to get His take on things as often as possible, right?

I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I’m pretty sure it’s okay to not ask God which cereal He wants you to eat in the morning.  I know people who pray before choosing which outfit to wear each day.  And sure, it’s great to have that posture of prayer and openness.  But…God also gave you a brain and a fashion sense for a reason.  So it’s okay to not necessarily ask Him about every little thing (“God, do you want me to go to class today?”  Chances are, yes, He does.)  However, when it comes to something you think God might be interested in (like college, or friends, or attitude, or well, you fill in the blank) ask Him!  He might give you direction; He might let you use that incredible mind He gave you and use your logic.

I was told once, as a child, that the reason God called David a man after His own heart is because David always asked God’s opinion before making a decision.  I don’t know if that’s the reason or not, but if you look through David’s story, he did – at least in the beginning, when Saul was out to get him.  There were many times when David’s actions didn’t make sense to the men who followed him because his actions were in obedience to God, not to himself.  And maybe that’s what went wrong.  Maybe sleeping with Bathsheba and Uriah’s death and David’s family issues (talk about dysfunctional!) all happened because David stopped talking to God. Maybe David thought he had it all figured out.  Or got tired of listening, or….I have no idea.  He still loved God, that’s obvious in his response to Nathan’s correcting David after Uriah was killed.  But you can love someone without talking to them all the time.

So, my suggestion is to start talking to God – just a normal conversation during the empty moments of your day that you usually fill with music from your ipod or maybe even TV or video gaming or texting.  Tell Him how your day went.  Ask Him what He thinks about global warming (just kidding.  I mean, you can, but, really?  THAT’s what you’re going to ask Him about?  He’d probably rather you ask Him what shirt to wear tomorrow.  No, seriously, He wants to hear your heart. ).  He’s the God of the universe, the one who created the world, the one who imagined you and smiled when you were formed.  He’s also a good listener.  But don’t just take my word for it – go find out for yourself!

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